Democratic Race Poses Challenge for Racists, Sexists

With the field for the Democratic presidential nomination narrowed to Senators Barack Obama and Hillary Rodham Clinton, racists and sexists are finding themselves in a quandary over which candidate to support, prominent racists and sexists confirmed today.

Across the U.S., voters who describe themselves as both racist and sexist complain that the two-person field, while touted by the media as history-making, is forcing them to ask a difficult question: which group do they hate more?

"I've always seen myself as pretty balanced, racist and sexist-wise," said Herb Torlinson, a hardware salesman from Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania. "But I guess this is going to be an election that really puts my different hates to the test."

Mr. Torlinson also chastised the media for celebrating the historic nature of the Democratic field: "Anyone who's happy about these two choices can't call himself a racist or a sexist."

At the Clapboard Corner Café in Youngstown, Ohio, a group of sexist bigots who gather for breakfast once a week echoed Mr. Torlinson's sentiments.

"I actually cried when John Edwards dropped out of the race," said David Colehurn, a disgruntled hater who works at a nearby Kinko's. "I can't believe that we don't have a regular person to vote for this year."

Mr. Colehurn said that his virulent racism and sexism were causing him to entertain thoughts of voting for a Republican, but added that he was "turned off" by Arizona Sen. John McCain: "I hate old people."

Elsewhere, after a new study revealed that cannabis causes gum disease, singer Amy Winehouse said, "That's why I'm sticking with crack."

Andy Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears in The New Yorker and The New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site, BorowitzReport.com. He is the host of "Countdown to '08" at the 92nd Street Y on Tuesday, May 13 at 8 PM with his special guests Susie Essman (HBO's Curb Your Enthusiasm) and Jeffrey Toobin (CNN, bestselling author of The Nine. For tickets, go to 92y.org.

Follow Andy Borowitz on Twitter: www.twitter.com/BorowitzReport

Comments

[plbcm]

Of course this election rises or falls on the question, do a majority of white males hate women or African Americans most? And do these white males hate all women or just this woman? They have focused on her so long, you just can't tell. It appears that many white males are breaking in favor of Obama. However, according to Newton, for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Look out for the reaction of those women. It looks more and more like this contest will be determined by dislikes and the reaction to those dislikes. Women will come out in increasing numbers as Obams's white male votes increase. I also think Obama's white male support, who are well hidden under the euphamism of "independents" will abandon him should he be running in the general election. Obama's edge is also evident in how the media, mostly white males, almost universally dislike Hillary.
Obama wants change, Hillary wants change.Their candidacies are baring the most distastful traits of our electorate. These passions have always been present, however, our political system has kept them hidden by always running white males. The election itself is going to cause more change than has been seen in this county since the sixties (1860's that is). Both Hillary and Obama are courageous heroes. The only thing that could screw up this beautiful scenario would be to elect the woe-be-gone McCain or the nut case Huckleby. As Nebraska State Senator Carpenter said when Nixon nominated Carswell for the Supreme Court; "Even dumb people deserve to be represented on the court". Heaven help us.

[flatus]

My problem is that I want to vote for a black woman.

[Sidewhispers]

The sufferings of "Herb Torlinson" and "David Colehurn"...I love it!I know these people. Another great job, Andy.

[weddedgay]

The racists and sexists have their man and their party. I say let them have it, just keep your hands off the Democratic Party.

[Wombaticus]

Thought I was at the Onion for a minute. Nicely satirized...

[happytrails]

There's only one thing to worry about now-

WHO CAN BEAT McCAIN?

[JailNeoconVicts]

Thanks again, Andy. Your posts make my day.

illegitimi non carborundum...

[mungley]

If you don't like it, just go home to Hateoslavia where you came from!

This is the 21st Century. White males are going to have to accept that other people are actually worthwhile.

[definitelyNOTmisterRIGHT]

thanks again andy! you are the best!

[ez14livin]

Expect the repukes to up the ante when McCain declares Condi as his VP. They'll want to cover both groups too

[rmajh5]

If one is worried about racism or sexism undermining our current race for the presidency, I would think that person would be looking at me as an appropriate choice. Well, the results are in for Super Tuesday and I have to admit I am feeling more than a bit disappointed. Nowhere among the challengers for the nominations for president can my name be found. This despite the fact that I announced my candidacy before my friends almost a year ago.

I just do not understand it. I am old enough to run. I am tall enough to run. And, I am the only one in the field who has already served as a president for four years ... of my youth group from 9th through 12 grade.

The problem? Money. I just do not have the funds to compete with an Obama, a Clinton, or a Romney. A McCain, maybe, and perhaps even a Huckabee. But even these two have bank accounts larger than my own. And so does Ron Paul.

So here I sit, stifled through lack of funds while watching Clinton in the lead with Obama a close second for the Democrats and McCain drawing slowly away from his field for the Republicans. Yet the race is not over. There may still be time for me to get my much needed funds. Perhaps Romney, seeing his chance slipping by him, could be convinced to spend a small portion of his multi million dollar fortune on my candidacy. Or maybe someone out there could convince Moveon.org to switch its allegiance from Obama to me. The important thing for me to remember is ... there is always tomorrow. Or is it ... don't forget the rye bread when I am at the supermarket? Wow! When one passes the age of 60, the memory sure does begin to recede.

Bottom line. Good luck to us all.