NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) -- In the event of a criminal case against the banking giant, Goldman Sachs is planning to employ a rarely-used legal strategy known as the "douchebag defense," sources confirmed today.
Davis Logsdon, Dean of the University of Minnesota School of Law, summarized the unorthodox strategy thusly: "Basically, they will be arguing that the Goldman executives had no control over their actions because they are ginormous dicks."
"Exhibit A" if the bank decides to go forward with the douchebag defense will be Goldman banker Fabrice "Fabulous Fab" Tourre.
"I think the government would have a hard time arguing that he was not an egregious douche," Logsdon said.
In order to establish Tourre's douchebag bona fides, Goldman's lawyers would most likely offer up his emails, his Facebook profile, and several of his ex-girlfriends.
Jury selection could also be key to the success of Goldman's douchebag defense strategy, Logsdon said.
"Goldman's dream jury would be made up of twelve angry dickwads," he said. "In New York, that shouldn't be hard to find." More here.