12/20/2010 01:37 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Goldman's Massive Bonuses 'Totally Deserved,' Says Satan

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) - The gargantuan year-end bonuses paid out to Goldman Sachs executives have received howls of protests from the banking giant's legion of critics, but not from its most ardent defender: Satan.

In a rare press conference, the usually reclusive Prince of Darkness defended Goldman's bonuses today, inviting reporters to meet with him at his apartment in New York's Trump Tower.

"I don't doubt for a minute that my friends at Goldman deserved those bonuses," Satan said, adding that "buying their souls was the best investment I ever made."

"It really is the gift that keeps on giving," he chuckled.

The Evil One said that the bloated Goldman bonuses were "just the cherry on top" of what has been "one of my best years ever."

"From Glenn Beck to Tony Hayward to the gang at Goldman, 2010 has had more than its share of heroes," he said. "I salute them all."

Satan added that his banner year was even going out with a bang: "Just when I thought this year couldn't get any better, this weekend I saw 'Yogi Bear.'"

The Lord of Misrule said he was looking forward to the holiday season, a time when some of "the greatest evil against humanity" is perpetrated: "Every time someone puts on a Christmas sweater, I give myself a high five."

In other news, President Obama congratulated the New York Giants for compromising with the Philadelphia Eagles. More here.

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