01/19/2010 12:53 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

GOP Rallies Massachusetts Voters: "Our Dream of Depriving Millions of Health Care is Within Reach"

BOSTON (The Borowitz Report) - Firing up voters on the eve of the special election to fill the late Edward M. Kennedy's Senate seat, Republican candidate Scott Brown spoke at a campaign rally today, proclaiming, "With your help, our dream of depriving millions of health care is within reach."

"Let's send a message, Massachusetts!" Mr. Brown exhorted the crowd. "Let's tell people across the country that if they want health coverage, they are shit out of luck!"

An aide to Mr. Brown said that internal polling reveals that the Republican's anti-healthcare message may be catching on: "Right now, Scott is showing a double-digit lead among people who describe themselves as douchebags." More here.