Hedge Fund Managers March on Washington

Demanding further intervention from the Federal Reserve to protect their endangered fortunes, thousands of the nation's leading hedge fund managers marched on Washington today.

Dubbed "The Million Mercedes March," the protest was said to be the largest chauffeur-driven demonstration in the capital's history.

Limousines started jamming the streets of Washington at approximately ten in the morning as irate hedge fund owners converged in front of the Federal Reserve building to demand stronger action to protect their imperiled riches.

Chanting "No Rate Cut, No Peace," the furious money managers were pepper-sprayed by police as their protest threatened to take a violent turn.

Tracy Klujian, a hedge fund manager from Greenwich, Connecticut, said that simmering anger in the hedge fund community was "a powder keg" waiting to explode.

"We have yet to see the ripple effects of this crisis," Mr. Klujian said. "When these guys have to freeze their trophy wives' shopping allowances, there's going to be hell to pay."

Mr. Klujian's words seemed almost prophetic as a mob of angry trophy wives looted a Ralph Lauren boutique in East Hampton, New York later in the day, stripping the establishment of its entire fall collection.

If the Fed fails to intervene, Mr. Klujian warned, an ugly situation among the nation's wealthiest money managers will only get uglier.

"A lot of these guys are mad as hell right now," he said. "But wait until they're down to their last billion."

Elsewhere, FEMA announced that it would commemorate the second anniversary of Hurricane Katrina by returning phone calls from 2005.

Andy Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears in The New Yorker and The New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site, BorowitzReport.com. He appears with Arianna Huffington and Mo Rocca at the 92nd Street Y in NYC on Wednesday Nov 7 at 8 PM. For tickets go to 92y.org.

Comments

[jgo]

To all my fans. I do not judge 1-4 rated people by their income, I judge 1-4 rated people by the results they produce. When the School Teacher's Union produce students who can't read, we should rate them with a 4. Actually we should fire them, if only we could.Plue they even successfully fought vouchers.
So if you reward 4th rate. you get a 4th rate country. What is so hard to understand.
FYI - Rich people do pay taxes. Now let me leave you with something to think about. There is a reason why diamonds cost more than pebbles.

[ADunafraid]

Ohh I know the answer to that one. It's because there is a global oligopoly with the diamond market causing the supply and demand to be artificially controlled. DeBeer's manages the flow of diamonds in the market to keep the price of what is actually a plentiful mineral (relative to its use cutting and jewels) very high.

[Mariel]

The 1st raters think they ARE 1st rate. How they got that opinion I don't know. They actually think they are superior to the 4th rates, 3rd rates, 2nd rates. Maybe the Devil made them do it, made them think so badly.

[NoContest]

There is also a March on the Hurricane Forcasting Center, apparently oil is in danger of falling back below $70 dollars a barrel and gas is already below $3 bucks. If shrub and his buddies don't get some help from Mother Nature tearing up a few oil rigs soon we are going to have a glut of this stuff. Can you imaging having to sell Texas Tea for $1.79 a gallon again.

There is still some money left in the bank accounts of working people. This really pisses hedge fund managers and oil racoons, eerrr, tycoons off!

~

[WOLFWARRIOR]

jgo

WEll if were going too ruin a good post with more rich propoganda then let's go.

This fed rate cut is simply - letting the rich-greedy borrow American Tax Payer dollar's with little interest and no taxes .....

Envy - how about fairness ...

So basically - The American People loaned the money too the rich
greedy and place's like countrywide are throwing them out of there home's.

Thats really been good for america in your eyes????

.

[european]

"Let me ask you, what kind of country will we get if we punish "the middle class" and reward "the richest 3%"?

Ans: Most of the South American nations, and soon to be joined by the USA if the "trickle downers" continue to get their way.

[MHainds]

I would expect action in the near future. This is one group of protesters that W is very much in tune with.

[CrankyCurmudgeon]

This is side-splitting stuff. Many thanks. Unfortunately, it's probably best classified as "gallows" humor, i.e. it would be funny if it wasn't so pathetically close to the way these people (and our "representative" government) really think.

[MaxundMoritz]

these leeches should consider themselves lucky,that no one has suggested to lock them up for fraud.
the entire financial system should be shut down and reregulated ca.1960.
the illegal "federal?"Reserve needs to be closed.
greenspan belongs up the tiber for a loooong stretch.

[thinkgra]

actually, jgo, if you want to see the US economy turn into a fourth rate (i.e. third world) model, here's how:
1. Put approximately 90% of the wealth in the hands of less than 10% of the population.
2. Make sure that all manufactured goods are imported, not locally produced. (By the by, one of the motivations for the American Revolution.)
3. Make sure the wealthy pay little or no tax and focus tax revenues on military, not social spending (i.e. useless things like schools, hospitals, public sanitation, etc.)
Now, we're not there yet. The top 10% only control about 75% of wealth; if you look really hard, you can still find a couple of things marked "Made in USA" at Walmart, and my toilet still flushes. However, Bush would like to lower taxes again, spend even more money on the military--so long as it doesn't go toward anything like, say, body armor or the VA medical system, where it would actually help the troops--and that delightful tax break that rewards corporations for offshoring is still on the books. We're getting there. Mitt Romney could take us the rest of the way, if he gets elected.
Seriously, about those interest rates, if you read any financial news at all, you'll notice that a major section of the economy is crashing due to an excess of credit, and the way to reduce the amount of money being borrowed is to raise the interest rates. A second thought on your "low interest floats all boats" comment is for you to talk to a few retirees who have to live on their savings. Low interest rates definitely do not help them. You might even say that the hedge fund sharpies who borrow to invest are taking their profits out of the hides of the retirees, particularly lower-income retirees, who can't afford the risk of investing as opposed to buying CDs.

[eyeswideopennow]

You are joking, right?

[givemycountryback]

What an awful person you are, labeling people 1st rate and 4th. rate according to their incomes. What makes you think these crooks are more productive than a senior greeter at walmart.Yes, I think we should help the 4th rate as you call them. Isnt that what we were instructed to do but Im sure all you read is the Wall Street Journal. What are you doing on a progressive blog to begin with. I personally think these hedge fund crooks should have their houses go into forclosure so they can see how it feels, and let the 4th rate move into their houses. How about yours?

[SlinkyTWF]

What he's doing here is trolling. Successfully, from the look of things.

[jgo]

Believe it or not,rich people are also citizens.
They happen to be pushing for something to help all of us, a 1/2 point interest rate reduction.
Believe it or not this will help every productive person.
Can I assume you like to punish productive people while rewarding failure?
Let me ask you, what kind of country will we get if we punish 1st rate and reward 4th rate?
Anwser,a 4th rate country.
By the way,tax cuts are also good in case you cant figure it out. Do you think stenfeld was envious towards wealthy people or do you think he also wanted to be wealthy.
Think about it.

[didereaux]

Your imlication sir, is that you are one of those 'first rate' who are being punished. I would hasten to point out that you 'first raters' are the ones who leveraged your asses out past the end of the diving board betting that the 'second raters' could and would continue to buy more and more houses. Gee, for a brilliant bunch, you 'first raters' sure are ignorant of simple supply and demand. When the last few buyers were illegal aliens making minimum wage even a newborn armadillo could figure out the food bowl was near empty.

Oh, yeah and about those tax cuts, well turns out you sons of b's don't pay any anyways, the people who pay the damned taxes are the working stiffs, the lower middle class and upper blue collars are the bearers of that burden...all corporate taxes are merely passed along.

So, 'first rater' get in your goddamed leased Mercedes and off-shore yourself like the REAL big boys have already done...or sink in your own economic igorance created pit as this economy slows and recession mild or more sets in for a long overdue 'correction.

[dadw5boys]

If tax cuts are so good DO AWAY WITH ALL TAXES!
Ahhh but you need to collect some taxs which come mainily from the POOR.
Ok I get it.
The poor pay for the government the RICH use the Government to get what they want and sent the BILL TO THE POOR.
GAO REPORT -- THE WEALTY PAY LESS THAN 5% OF THER INCOME IN TAXES.

[sabocat]

Hmm yes, dadw5boys, this is what we call socialism for the rich and capitalism for the poor.Notice how all the right wing libertarian think tanks and other right wing pundits bitch and moan about welfare, unemployment insurance, medicaid, and social security, but when it comes time to let the market act, they want the FED to bail them out WITH OUR TAX DOLLARS. The same way corporations use out taxes to fund R&D, letting the state cover costs while they reap the profits.

But the big welfare for the rich program is almost always some stupid and unnecessary WAR.

[MissFortunate]

This is something called satire. You cannot compare billionares losing 10% of their wealth to people who are barely making it losing their homes and their credit. No comparison.

A 1/2 interest rate will not change anything for the working poor.

[Jason357]

Actually, they call that 50 basis points, 1/2 percent....50/100. We need those fund managers to pay income tax like everyone else. It's crazy to allow them to claim their compensation for managing money as capital gains.

[indypete]

Hey, jgo... we've got a 4th rate country already, courtesy of Reagan, Bush41, Clinton (the closet repub) and bushcheney. Check the national debt. How are we gonna pay that sucker off? Or are we just gonna nuke everybody we owe money to? If the economy is so great, where is all the money? Do we have better infrastructure? Police? Fire service? Do we have secure borders? Don't think so. We do have more tax dollars going into the hands of big oil and big weapons... I suppose that's a good thing? I pay $3+ a gallon for gas (a price artificially inflated by the war) and I'm benefitting froom the tax breaks enjoyed by companies offshoring jobs? Schmucks like me got no tax breaks. Jgo, if you're not actually up to your armpits in $100 bills then your opinion is that of an idiot.

[TXfemmom]

Ah, they didn't have to drive. They sent the officials Rolex's and got their way.

[magen]

Funny, but if this did actually happen things would change for them immediately, unlike when us dirty hippies protest.

[RobertPaul]

Aw hell, "let them eat cake!"

[dadw5boys]

The D.C. Cops were able to distracted the Fund Managers with Photos of New Private Jets long enough to flank the limo drivers and carry out a blocking manuver that would send the motocade around Washington Circle one more time.
One giard was injuried when the driver of a Hummvvee threw out a cocktail glass with a broken stem. The guard was able to drop and roll to aviod being speared by the stem.
In other news the George Town Bars will be closed during the Peace Protest because the owners do not feel the peace protesters will be good for the cocaine trade of Old George Town or Williamburg.