Hillary Schedules Official Crying Jag for South Carolina

Saying that she has learned valuable lessons from her victory in the New Hampshire primary, Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-NY) today announced that she was scheduling an official crying jag for the eve of the South Carolina primary on January 26.

Speaking to reporters in Las Vegas this morning, her eyes noticeably watery, Mrs. Clinton said that her election eve crying jag would be scheduled for 4 PM EST on January 25.

But the newly lachrymose junior senator from New York indicated that her South Carolinian waterworks would only be one stop on an ambitious tear-drenched campaign schedule leading up to SuperDuper Tuesday on February 5, an itinerary which she and her aides are calling her "Sniffling Tour."

"I'm going to be crying so much you're going to think I'm Anderson Cooper," she wept.

But even as Mrs. Clinton said that "this election is a crying game, and I'm in it to win it," some political observers wondered if the New York senator would be able to cry at will as often as her punishing schedule demands.

According to strategist Mark Penn, a trusted group of campaign aides would have the job of inducing tears from Mrs. Clinton by "saying mean things to her" before every appearance.

Additionally, Mr. Penn says, Mrs. Clinton has a secret weapon in her latest endeavor, former president Bill Clinton: "No one can make Hillary cry like Bill can."

Elsewhere, denying reports that he was scaling back his presidential campaign, former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney said that he was making "a major media buy at Kinko's."

Andy Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears in The New Yorker and The New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site, BorowitzReport.com. He is the host of "Countdown to '08" at the 92nd Street Y on Tuesday, May 13 at 8 PM with his special guests Susie Essman (HBO's Curb Your Enthusiasm) and Jeffrey Toobin (CNN, bestselling author of The Nine. For tickets, go to 92y.org.

Comments

[sassafra]

if hillary needs to cry on cue in south carolina all she has to do is think of poor glenn becks' ass surgery. the ensuing empathic ennui should be staggeringly successful for producing the waterworks.

[thedudeabides]

lol
go andy!!!
squirt a few for carolina you diabolical one!

[HollyBrinee]

Maybe Obama really will win the nomination, wouldn't that be exciting? Wouldn't it be exciting to see what the GOP will do to him and his lovely wife Michelle, and beautiful children. It'll be interesting to see if the Democratic Hillary Haters will ever learn a bit of respect and humility after watching Michelle Obama get savaged the way Hillary was for all those years. Who am I kidding? These are kids, they'll think it was the first time it has ever happened in the history of politics. If you don't want the Clintons in office, fine, argue the issues, but show some respect. That woman has taken more hits for this country than any of you will ever know.

[BillAnthony]

The Hillary moment in question can in no way be truthfully described as a "crying jag". Why the need to embellish? I'm convinced our political discourse would be much better served without clowning pundits.

[lynnn]

Is she going to actually have tears this time, instead of the crying voice. Believe me, it is not hard to cry, what really bugs me is that she did not cry. Why was she "crying" that any other dem could win/and help the country. Would she cry if Edwards was ahead, was there something else. Not that HRC is bad, she'll just do anything to win. Anything, even a southern strategy.

[BluGrrl]

I'm not going to say if Hillary Clinton's tears were real or not because I don't know, I'm not her.

But what I do know is that whenever politicians "cry" I am suspicious, take Boo Hoo Boehner as an example. John Boehner cries so much it has either got to be an act or Boehner has serious issues...

I never find emotion letting to be an attractive quality in politicians, to me it portrays weakness - whether the politician is male or female is irrelevant.

So all in all I am unimpressed by Clinton's display of emotion, but I can't say the same for all the woman in NH that voted for her.

[Anastasia]

Since crying jags are one of things I do best, I have to give Hillary a pass on this one. But Andy's post, was (dare I say it?) hilarious none the less.

[Spookcatcher]

Sister Hillary's answer to Brother Love Obama's traveling show, put a little cry in your voice. "Think of your fellow man, lend him a helping hand put a little love in your heart"...wouldn't it be great if the Baptist Preacher Huckabee and all the candidates all just come together and have a big Tent American Revival, heck let Romney dawn his White Morman Ritual robes, maybe he will let Gomer Baptize him on TV and in the spirit of the moment all our troubles will lifted away and we will all prosper and America will live in peace and harmony everafter. No need for elections, everything will be ok if we just trust them and our emotions, there is no need for fighting over what we know we can't really change anyway. Poor Edwards, such a terrific southern accent and no one listening, a choir boy without a choir..

[AlphaDoc]

>a trusted group of campaign aides would have the job of inducing tears from Mrs. Clinton by "saying mean things to her" before every appearance<
I heard they were looking for volunteers to pull out a couple of her nose hairs in the event that saying mean things didn't work. And Bill is planning a leave-Britney-alone-style video for YouTube.

[texastornado]

I guess her boohoohooing is going to be part of her standard speech throughout the primaries. Boohoo they're picking on me sniffel, sniffel.

[urbanrevolt]

I think crying is probably a New Hampshire thing. Candidates should remember that, while in most instances crying is not advisable, New Hampshire voters are apparently very fond of weepy candidates.

[Kally]

Gee can't I say something about Obama and give Hillary a pat on the back and have it banned.

[Kally]

Gee how about some band players to back up Obama's rock star concerts. He jumps and bumps and speechyfies....and the doodle boppers go wild. I guess it is a good thing they call in the vote, because if tried to and couldn't get thru they'd blame Hillary for jamming the non-existant phones.