Hillary Sends Bill on Campaign Trip to Antarctica

Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton has sent her husband, former President Bill Clinton, on a "special campaign trip" to Antarctica that could last "six or seven months," Clinton aides confirmed today.

"From here on in, Bill is going to be our man in Antarctica," said top Clinton strategist Mark Penn. "We have sent him down there with enough food and firewood to last until the Democratic convention this summer."

The unexpected change in the former president's itinerary happened just hours after Mrs. Clinton's drubbing in the South Carolina primary, causing some party insiders to wonder if Mr. Clinton's mission to Antarctica represented something of a demotion.

The decision to dispatch Mr. Clinton to the South Pole also raised eyebrows because the continent of Antarctica does not participate in the so-called "Super Tuesday" primaries on February 5 and sends no delegates to the Democratic National Convention.

Mr. Penn attempted to tamp down all such speculation, telling reporters, "This race isn't about votes or delegates, it's about land mass, frozen tundra and penguins."

Mr. Clinton's itinerary change comes on the heels of a controversial incident Saturday night in which he was discovered bound and gagged in the bathroom of Mrs. Clinton's campaign plane, his hands tied by what appeared to be the jacket of a bright yellow pantsuit.

Speaking to reporters with a strip of duct tape still over his mouth, Mr. Clinton denied that he was being muzzled by the campaign, adding, "Mmmfff mghrmfff mmbrrfff."

Elsewhere, the White House announced that President Bush's State of the Union address would be simulcast in English.

Andy Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears in The New Yorker and The New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site, BorowitzReport.com. He is the host of "Countdown to '08" at the 92nd Street Y on Tuesday, May 13 at 8 PM with his special guests Susie Essman (HBO's Curb Your Enthusiasm) and Jeffrey Toobin (CNN, bestselling author of The Nine. For tickets, go to 92y.org.

Follow Andy Borowitz on Twitter: www.twitter.com/BorowitzReport

Comments

[3Ons]

I got a good chuckle from that satire.

What is interesting is that those whom feel threatened by Mr. Clinton's oustanding charisma and campaigning-skills, promote the idea that he is a 'liability' to the political aspirations of others, Hillary in this case, thereby hurting Hillary's campaign.

"Dirty-politics," at it's worst, by laying, "ThoughtTraps" to sabotoge campaigns.

In this 'climate,' one never knows if their 'humor' or 'opinion' is hurting or helping, proving that WeThePeople are merely played, like PawnsOfWar.

Such is the case with the term 'liberal-media,' which is only repeated, ad naseum, in the very conservative media, then parroted, by so-called 'concerned citizens' unknowingly promoting censorship of dissenting­-opinions, hurting all of us/everybody by subtly denigrating Constitutional guarantees with LIBERAL 'irrational exhuberance.'

-- forgive the spelling/typos, if you are kind enough.

Kind Regards,
Clayton Winton
Priest River, ID

[wrabbitt]

Bill must have found out monica has an assignment in little america!

[ignorantwillyharper]

Bill will end up hurting the polar bear population, as he'll talk the balls of them.

[PauCK]

Now that is a Cool assignment !

[suntzu]

My understanding is that Antarctica is all white, except for the penguins, who are half-and-half.

[General]

The Bush joke was funny.

[thomdavis1]

IMHO-- Hill should go WITH Bill! mwhahaha

[daveny]

Bondage? I guess cigars weren't half the Clinton kinkiness!

[definitelyNOTmisterRIGHT]

andy, great work, as always. keep up the good word! dNmR

[joja]

Andy --

Love your comment about the speech being simulcast in English!!!!

[Donald Wolberg]

Mrs. Clinton also expressed complete denial regarding the rumors that Mr. Clinton had expressed an unhealthy interest in female penguins. Mrs. Clinton felt it was compleltely appropriate that bill have a female penguin intern on his staff, explaining that Bill has always been concerned about the future confronting penguins and that the former President wants to show penguins that there is more to life than just looking cute sliding around on ice all day. The penguin intern in question is named Monica Rose Emperor and has been seen dining with the President at the American Anatarctic Station.

[gardenbookie]

Is that a one-way ticket?

[Anym]

Where's the elves at?

[slow2]

Could someone forward this jewel to the DLC and to Rep Emmanuel?

Oh, and to Hillary????

[ilcapo]

They should keep Bubba stumping for Billary all he wants,of course I m for Obama...GO BARACK!!!YES WE CAN!!!