Huckabee Asks Jesus to Stimulate Economy

In what many political observers are calling an attempt to shore up his evangelical base on the eve of the nation's Super Tuesday primaries, former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee today asked Jesus Christ to stimulate the U.S. economy.

Mr. Huckabee has invoked Jesus' name at many points in the primary season, but his extraordinary request marks the first time a presidential candidate has directly asked a deity to provide the nation with an economic stimulus package.

In a press conference in Mobile, Alabama today, Mr. Huckabee said that he had asked Jesus to stimulate the U.S. economy with "a fresh infusion of loaves and fishes."

The former Arkansas governor was not specific about the exact dollar amount of the loaves and fishes that he had asked Jesus to inject into the U.S. economy, but advisors later said that it was somewhere in the ballpark of $70 billion.

Mr. Huckabee said that he had also asked Jesus to solve the nation's mortgage crisis by "casting out the money lenders."

Jesus' fish-and-loaf-based stimulus package drew a dismissive reaction from G.O.P. rival Mitt Romney, who questioned Jesus' economic qualifications while campaigning in California.

"Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior, but with all due respect, I'm not sure that He could have turned around the Salt Lake Olympics," Mr. Romney said.

For his part, Mr. Huckabee offered this tart response to Mr. Romney's remarks: "This is precisely why I have asked Jesus to smite Mitt Romney."

Elsewhere, Sen. John McCain's promise to cut taxes drew a strong vote of support from actor Wesley Snipes.

Andy Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears in The New Yorker and The New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site, BorowitzReport.com. He is the host of "Countdown to '08" at the 92nd Street Y on Tuesday, May 13 at 8 PM with his special guests Susie Essman (HBO's Curb Your Enthusiasm) and Jeffrey Toobin (CNN, bestselling author of The Nine. For tickets, go to 92y.org.

Follow Andy Borowitz on Twitter: www.twitter.com/BorowitzReport

Comments

[TheKat]

Let me see if I have this right: Huckabee asked for $70 billion and Romney responded?

The former leader of Bain commented?

How bizarre.

And then a request for smite? That's not like being smitten, right?

Someone allowed these two to get on the ballot for president?

Oy gevalt.

Kitty Kaufman

[itsnotmyfault]

At least we are seeing some progress. Breads and fishes, all I can say is yum. Under Reagan all Jesus could deliver was cheese.

[MichaelLitz]

Isn't it still considered a bit impolite in this country to MOCK people who are sincerely praying to their God?!

[burneb]

Good one. Too bad it is creepily real.

Only Republicans could get on their holier than thou pulpit and call for Jesus to cast out the moneylenders, obtusely overlooking the fact that the moneylenders in questions are usually them.

[stupidme]

The Huckster may have to wait for his prayers to be answered. A couple of weeks ago Georgia Governor, Sonny Purdue held a public prayer in Atlanta asking the Lord Jesus to save us from the drought were experiencing down here in the south. As a of today were are still experiencing drought conditions, so the Lord must still be considering the Governor's request.

[kappa08]

What a clown...This is why we are looked at like complete tools all around the world. Embarrassing...

[research]

Good one! I almost believed it.

Here are some actual HeckleBee quotes:

The health care system is really designed to reward you for being unhealthy. If you are a healthy person and work hard to be healthy, there are no benefits.

I have opponents in this race who do not want to change the Constitution

""I didn't get into politics because I thought government had a better answer. I got into politics because I knew government didn't have the real answers, that the real answers lie in accepting Jesus Christ into our lives...I hope we answer the alarm clock and take this nation back for Christ."

[OhgReaTone]

It is time for thinking people to take Jesus back from the right wing fanatics.
Ohg
http://thefiresidepost.com/2007/08/28/stealing-jesus/

[realpolitic]

Yes, it is odd that Jesus would wish upon us so many unemployed and would not tweak productivity rates just a little.

[Sundialsvc4]

"Be not deceived, God is not mocked."

Leaders, remember the Parable of the Ten Talents. (That was a LOT of money!) Nowhere in that tale of human(!) stewardship did the lord of the manor step in and "bail them out."

[SubparDude]

:

Careful, GomerHuck UpChuck & his crew will not see this as satirical, and may indeed Steal The Whole Idea!!

Film at Eleven.

:

[starboymikey]

Hey, I got no beef with President Huckabee asking Jesus to stimulate the economy. I've tried this shit and believe me, it really works. Like yesterday, I asked Jesus to stimulate my personal economy because I had $50 riding on the Giants in the Superbowl and I really needed the dough.

I prayed all the way through the game and ... bling! No problem.

Oh, and if you were praying for the Pats (though God knows why anyone would do that)I guess your faith just wasn't strong enough.

[alsm9]

I think the reason people didn't get the satire is that it's almost believable that this wing-nut would do something like this. He's said some pretty outrageous things in the past.

[libdude]

Hilarious, Andy. One of your funniest. And some of the reader's comments bring to mind two things: 1)You know, I'm really too polite to mention #1, so I'll just skip to #2. 2)With some of the outrageous ideas and people in today's spotlight, it must be getting more and more difficult to satirize modern life. Great job.

[SatinPanties]

Sad part is, Andy, that the Huckster WOULD do/say something like this...

Someone please remind me what century is this?