08/16/2009 08:50 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

In Move to Appease Critics, Obama Promises to Extend Health Care Coverage to Morons

Facing opposition to his health care reform proposals, President Barack Obama has decided to reach out to a key demographic: morons.

Starting this week, Mr. Obama will host a series of town halls to roll out new features of his health care plan which will extend health care coverage to "all idiotic Americans," in the words of one White House source.

"We clearly underestimated the role that doofuses and dimwits were going to play in this debate," the source said. "We want to send them the message that this plan will give them coverage -- but we need to come up with a one-syllable word for 'coverage.'"

But critics of the president's new plan worry that extending coverage to every American who is a few bricks shy of a load could triple the size of the nation's deficit.

"The sheer number of lamebrains in the U.S. is much greater than the administration estimates," says Davis Logsdon, who studies the demography of idiots at the University of Minnesota. "Just look at Glenn Beck's ratings."

Elsewhere, Apple unveiled a new iPhone app that lets you talk to people on the phone. More here.