01/20/2009 04:00 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Levi Johnston Liveblogs the Inauguration

Yo, L to the J here, liveblogging the Inauguration of our nation's new president - not because I am all that fucking into history or anything, but I just needed a break from that screaming devil-baby of mine. Man can Tripp yell like a motherfucker - and the shit that comes out of that kid's ass. He is like a nine-pound shitting-slash-screaming machine. Let Bristol take care of him for a few minutes - see how much she likes it, yo.

But I digress. The inauguration was full of fucking memorable images, like Cheney being wheeled around like a fucking Batman villain. But from where this fucking redneck sits, President Obama's speech, while awesome, was notable not for what he said but for what he fucking didn't say. For instance, he said nothing about helping people get out of the fucking nightmare situations they have fucking found themselves in through no fault of their own. Like, giving them a Ford 150 and enough gas to get them to Canada. That would be sweet, yo.

The most fucking poignant moment this liveblogger noticed was when Bush got into the helicopter and got the fuck out of there. I was so fucking jealous I almost started to fucking cry. That's all this shithole apartment needs - another person crying his fucking head off like someone just kicked him in the nuts.

Speak of the devil (literally) -- now Tripp is screaming again and Bristol is fucking shouting at me to change his fucking diaper. Yo, that is not a change I can believe in.

Andy Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears in The New Yorker and The New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site, He is performing at the 92nd St. Y on April 30 at 8 PM with special guests Judy Gold, Hendrick Hertzberg, and Jonathan Alter. For tickets, go to