Lewinsky Releases White House Schedule

Under pressure to reveal her precise contributions to the Clinton presidency, former White House intern Monica Lewinsky released her official White House schedule today.

Ms. Lewinsky hoped that in releasing the schedule she would put to rest nagging questions about her role in the Northern Ireland peace talks and the controversial NAFTA trade agreement.

But shortly after the heavily redacted schedule was released to the press, it became clear that the document was raising more questions than it answered.

"There's no question that Ms. Lewinsky spent hours in the Oval Office, but it's unclear what she was working on," said Democratic operative Carol Foyler. "If she was in there supporting NAFTA, that could be very damaging to her politically."

On the campaign trail, Sen. Hillary Clinton defended the many redactions in her own White House schedule, calling the alterations "changes you can believe in."

Ms. Clinton said that if elected, "I will start redacting my new White House schedule on Day One."

Elsewhere, CIA analysts said they doubted the authenticity of a new instant message from Osama bin Laden, noting that the al-Qaeda leader has never before signed off with "LOL."

Andy Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears in The New Yorker and The New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site, BorowitzReport.com. He is the host of "Countdown to '08" at the 92nd Street Y on Tuesday, May 13 at 8 PM with his special guests Susie Essman (HBO's Curb Your Enthusiasm) and Jonathan Alter (Newsweek, MSNBC). For tickets, go to 92y.org.

Comments

[uglicoyote]

Is Monica a Super-delegate? Laura Bush, ready on day one!

[Tankan]

Nice one Andy!

Concerning Osama, last time I saw him firing an AK-47 he was left handed!

Is there no end to this mans talents, new photos indicate he's also ambidextrous!

[joja]

Dead on straight. As usual, Andy. LMFAO!

[sebocd]

The question remains, will Monica Lewinsky, Mrs. Clinton's most recognized surrogate, be seated at the Democratic Convention or will she be assuming her usual posture?

[jstock]

So funny! LOL, indeed!!!

[Jacksonian]

Andy left me ROTF as always!

[whywhy]

Well done from start to finish......

Now maybe you should work on Osama's new video bring people together on religion, hehe

[WakeUpBill]

Brilliant satire..... unfortunately it's a bit to close to reality if Hill wins.

If she does win, how soon until all we hear about is who Bill has been "Spitzering" over the last 8 years?

[JohnTalbutt]

Someone wondered that with Spitzer being Client #9, Hillary has given any thought to who Client #1 might be

[RealityBaseCamp]

1) I was laughing so hard over the headline, I had to wait to read the article.

2) "Dry cleaners" was repeatedly written in and crossed out.

3) Dana Perino denied any similarities to Jeff Guckert/Gannon's schedule.

4) Redactions are, in fact, changes you can Xerox.

5) When DO we see Laura's schedule? Or... Condi's?

[PrdAmerican]

So who should it be...the woman who married Bill or the woman who did Bill?

[booksnmore4you]

ROFL.

Sounds like you need to help out The Onion now and then.

[OtayPanky]

What's the point of Lewinsky releasing her schedule, anyway? She's not running for office, is she?

[PistonMoaned]

Well, with all that White House experience, maybe she should?

[PinkoAttic]

...DUDE...he's using satire !....go grab a beer and chill out...you've been reading wayyyy tooo many blogs !

[OtayPanky]

Gotcha

[PinkoAttic]

Did being Margaret Thatcher's spouse qualify Dennis Thatcher to be leader of the British parliament ?
I doubt Maggie Thatcher would think so.

In some less developed democracies such as Pakistan and Argentina, being the spouse of a political leader can, in and of itself, be the ticket to political dynasty. In fact, in such countries, being the spouse of a policitcal leader brings an almost automatic sense of entitlement to continue a familial political dynasty.

Americans have to ask themselves precisely what sort of democracy they want in the 21st century, one which is the sober culmination of lessons passed or a model more like Pakistan and Argentina.

It is ironic to observers around the world that 232 years after 1776, the British enjoy democracy while Americans have reverted to the monarchical rule of their elites.

[CellarDoor]

While I do not disagree with your statement referring to a 'ruling class' or an 'elite class' in this country being an issue (with some exceptions), I don't think that being the spouse of a President neither qualifies nor disqualifies you for any office. The fact that these seemingly mandatory religious affiliations do not raise a single eyebrow while being the spouse of a previous president somehow should, is quite backwards with respect to the constitution which says there will be no measure for the presidential qualification outside of: being 35 years of age and being a American citizen by birth (plus getting 100,000 signatures). Nothing outside of that should disqualify *anyone* and I don't even necessarily think you should have to have been born in this country. However, there is a big part of me that thinks you should have served in the Military if you are going to hold the highest official military rank (not that you'd *have* to serve to qualify but that you would not be "Commander-in-chief" of the entire US Military if you never served...obviously more to it than that but as a concept...I think it's reasonable).

[JudgeCrater]

I am reminded of the 'fact' that Laura Bush's qualifications to be POTUS are nearly the same as those of HRC's.

[JJI]

That's not fair at all !!!

Laura Bush has at least 200 days until she is as qualified !

[maddogbitesback]

Puhleeze. I don't know what Laura has done other than climb on and off Airforce One. Hillary actually did significant work.