Lou Dobbs' Head Explodes

The head of longtime CNN anchorman Lou Dobbs exploded last night, fifteen minutes into the broadcast of his nightly news program, Lou Dobbs Tonight.

Mr. Dobbs' rants about illegal immigration over the past few years have made his head exploding while on television a distinct possibility, but few viewers were prepared for the shocking spectacle they witnessed Tuesday night.

During an interview with CNN's Anderson Cooper, Mr. Dobbs blamed illegal aliens for most of the ills of American society, including crime, leprosy, and confusing signs written in foreign languages.

"And here's the latest outrage, Anderson," Mr. Dobbs said. "If a border fence is built between the U.S. and Mexico, as I've suggested, it'll probably be built by illegal Mexican workers."

Shortly after his statement about illegal Mexican laborers constructing a border fence, Mr. Dobbs' head exploded, filling the screen with smoke and visibly startling Mr. Cooper.

After Mr. Dobbs' head burst into flames, his CNN cohort attempted to go to commercial, but Mr. Dobbs continued talking undaunted for another fifteen minutes.

Immediately after the broadcast, Mr. Dobbs was rushed to the Head Explosion Unit at George Washington University Hospital where the CNN anchor continued talking for an additional five hours before being administered general anesthesia.

"In all my years as a brain surgeon I have never seen someone with such serious head trauma continue speaking," said chief of surgery Dr. Hiroshi Kyosuke. "It is almost as if Lou Dobbs' mouth functions completely independently from his brain."

Elsewhere, in response to the controversy over the CIA's waterboarding videotapes, President Bush reaffirmed his administration's opposition to videotaping.

Andy Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears in The New Yorker and The New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site, BorowitzReport.com. He hosts an all-new edition of "Next Week's News" starring Amy Sedaris, John Oliver (The Daily Show) and Christian Finnegan (VH1's Best Week Ever) at Comix on Thursday January 17 at 8 PM. Comix is located at 353 West 14th Street, just east of Ninth Avenue. For tickets, call 212-524-2500 or go to comixny.com. For a $5 discount, use the promotional code ANDY.

Follow Andy Borowitz on Twitter: www.twitter.com/BorowitzReport

Comments

[RnR]

All the crying and gnashing of teeth in support of illegal immigrants is fine, but until the natural born citizens of the USA (I mean, ya know, the blacks, appalachians and just those living below the poverty level in general) are taken care of it smacks of hypocrisy.

How anybody can be supporting amnesty when the people of New Orleans are being kicked out, locked out of their homes (many of which the glorious HUD is getting ready to demolish) and just generally shit upon is beyond me.

Direct your compassion homeward first people and take on an issue that requires a little more balls - go fight our government for our citizens.

[dougbob]

the real way to make lou dobb's head explode would be to agree with him.

"okay, lou, you are right. let's end this immigration madness today! and, by the way, you're in charge lou. make it happen. tell us what your plan is and what it will cost."

and will somebody please make that orange hair dye go away...come to think of it, maybe his rants are chemically induced by the "flamo" hair dye he's using.

[eastcoastprogressive]

Thanks for the laugh Andy. Here is a site any American with common sense should support.

http://www.boycottdobbs.us/cms

[Dejack]

No, Please!!!!!!!!!!
Tell me Lou Dobb's head is NOT getting any bigger!

Is that even possible?

[Lisette]

Still laughing!

What a great article.

Lou Dobbs actually does have a very big head, and now I know why.

[MacTheBlogger]

I think we should start a pool. We can all guess a date and time for the following:

Whose head will explode first, Lou Dobbs' or Keith Olbermann's?

Every time Keith launches into his hilariously self-important, self-righteous "Special Comment", I wonder if he will suffer from the same Exploding Head Syndrome. That, or his eyes will bug out of his head with such force that they'll blow out his glasses.

Heck, perhaps they'll tie. They can whine to each other in the hospital.

[mjkblog]

LOL! Priceless. Thanks for the biggest belly laugh I've had in weeks!

[racom]

CRAP, this is satire, isn't it? I was really hoping.........

[rextrek]

While I agree with Lou Dobbs alot....and NOT on ALL things...He rants on daily about Illegal Immigrants..but NEVER gives a solution to the Illegal problem. Realistically America can't just Deport these 20m people??

[Sidewhispers]

Another good one, Andy. That same Head Explosion Unit has treated Bill O'Reilly and Glen Beck too...and Nancy Grace is almost a permanent resident there.
Lou is like a wind-up toy that has about three sentences containing the words illegal immigrants.

[comatoast]

Lou is a pompous ass, but Lisa Sylvester is a hottie.

[wndrwrthg]

Hell, you missed his rant on the texas man who gunned down two men who burgled his neighbors home. They had no weapons, made no threating moves and were shot in the back(one of them twice). Apparantly it is legal under texas law to use leathal force on people commiting property crimes. There is some thought that the two men were illegals, which lou seemed to harp on. He completely supported this MURDERER, as there is other name that he can be called, although his neighbors feel that he is a hero. The D.A. is still pondering whether or not to file charges against the shooter. I have had a hard time lately with the way lou has been venting, at first I supported his views, but he has decended into the realm of demagoguery and I shall never watch his show again. You must see the segment to believe it.

[racom]

CRAP, this is only satire, isn't it? I was really hoping .......

[dantheman]

Andy, gracias for the laugh.

[cognate]

Did anyone check the surgeon's papers? He didn't sound Guatemalan, but he could have been a Jap.