Market Tumbles on News That Bush Is Still President

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President George W. Bush used a Rose Garden appearance today to reassure investors that he was at the helm of the U.S. economy, causing stock markets to plummet around the world.

"You don't have to worry about this economy, because I am in charge of it," said Mr. Bush, touching off what some observers were calling a global financial panic.

Mr. Bush began his remarks about the economy at 10:30 a.m. EST, and by 10:31 markets around the world had already gone into a perilous free-fall.

According to Wall Street insiders, the markets were responding to the news that Mr. Bush was still president.

"Over the last few weeks, the markets have absorbed the news of the subprime crisis, the housing meltdown, and the Bear Stearns failure," said Logan Teasdale of Citigroup. "But the news that President Bush is still president was too much for the markets to shrug off."

Over the past few months, Mr. Teasdale said, traders have tried hard to forget that Mr. Bush was still president, but his White House remarks today were "a painful reminder."

At the Federal Reserve, Fed chairman Ben Bernanke huddled with central bankers to find a way to calm the markets rattled by Mr. Bush's alarming appearance.

One solution reportedly being pondered by the Fed would involve sending Mr. Bush to Disney World for the remainder of his time in office.

Elsewhere, in his first comment on the Eliot Spitzer scandal, Vice President Dick Cheney said he has never hired a prostitute because "I've been screwing the country the last seven years."

Andy Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears in The New Yorker and The New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site, BorowitzReport.com. He is the host of "Countdown to '08" at the 92nd Street Y on Tuesday, May 13 at 8 PM with his special guests Calvin Trillin (The New Yorker), Susie Essman (HBO's Curb Your Enthusiasm) and Jonathan Alter (Newsweek, MSNBC). For tickets, go to 92y.org.

Comments

[Vyvjala]

How about bush and cheney being cast as Ren and Stimpy.............

[The Collinbrandt]

Everything that happens in Washington and Wall Street is planed. The short sellers in Bear Stearns and those that bid Bear Stearns up when the offer to buy it for just $2.00 per share are evidence of the close workings of Washington and the insiders on Wall Street. The game is always fixed against the small investor and the American People who believe their pension funds are safe and their bank accounts will not be devalued.

[duckfan00]

Apres nous le deluge !!... L'etat c'est moi !!....

[JanetE]

"You don't have to worry about this economy, because I am in charge of it," said Mr. Bush, touching off what some observers were calling a global financial panic.

HA HA, when I read that I laughed out loud. OK, let's all admit that Bush IS a Disney character - you have so many choices ... how about DUMBO? How about DOPEY?

[sdrawkcab]

MSM is reporting that an independant investigator is looking into how Bush might have gained access into the Rose Garden.

Memos leaked reveal that an "extended burden" on our Secret Service (due to an unnamed candidates "refusal to concede in her lost presidential campaign") might have played a role in granting the "nominal President" to escape without detection away from the pong video game which monitors the supposed Commander in Chief.

A spokesman for Microsoft denied liability, insisting the video game did notify agents after a "brief interval" of inactivity, and noted that Passificator v1.1 would be availible in early June.

Republican Nominee John McCain is calling for declassification of schematics for a secret passageway into the Oval Office, which Ken Starr claims to have "rendered inoperable" by KBR contractors. That woman was unavailible for comment.

High-ranking cabinet members nodded their head "yes" when asked virtually anything.

Bush's spiritual advisors, respected authors Siegfried Engelmann and Elaine C. Bruner, refused to contribute anything printable to the story.

[WMDs]

GOLD !

It would be more funny if we werent paying for Bush incompetence for the next centuary.

[terramartom]

Treason carries the Death penalty doesn't it?

[certainot]

impeachment would turn the economy around quick

[jdmccl]

All those empty house would fill right up with cheers "The wicked bush is dead". All those families would be making bank, paying past due house notes, getting loans within their means. I can see it now. The goverment would stop spending and wasting time on stupid issues and get right to work, Yes, I can see it now....

[Woggles]

I had to make sure this was the Huffington Post.

The headline was like something from the Onion.
very funny.
Lol.

[SubparDude]

:

***** FLASH *****

FLA: In a shocking surprise move today, The Walt Disney Corp CLOSED Disney World "pending further notice."

:

[aceholiday]

damn, andy, you are a good man

[Idiocracy]

Forget Disney World...

How about a nice cozy jail cell.

America only has one choice for positive change

Obama 08

[Tags]

Thanks Andy, I've made over a million bucks selling short since you posted this.

[Tags]

If this happened to Reagan, at least they had Al Haig to take the reins.

[Rescisco]

Funny! But the humor is wasted when the reality is so much crazier.