McCain Holds Auditions for Angry Mob

With just three weeks to go until Election Day, the McCain campaign has launched a nationwide talent search to find angry audience members for their increasingly hate-filled rallies, McCain aides confirmed today.

"People assume that when we hold a rally, angry white people just magically appear, but that's not the case," said McCain aide Hardin Carley. "The fact is, a lot of planning goes into this."

In order to stock their rallies with the requisite number of irate white voters, the McCain camp has reached out to Hollywood, retaining the services of casting agent Tracy Klugian, who found the angry crowds for the 2000 film "Gladiator."

"They were really clear about my assignment," said Mr. Klugian. "They were like, we want the same kind of crowds you had for 'Gladiator,' only more bloodthirsty."

Toby DeBreaux, a self-described angry white man from Dayton, Ohio, was one of a thousand hopefuls who showed up at Mr. Klugian's open casting call in New York City over the weekend.

With full-throated outbursts like "Liar!", "Terrorist!", and "Kill him!", Mr. DeBreaux seemed to impress the Hollywood talent scout.

"He really seemed crazy-angry," said Mr. Klugian. "It was like watching Cindy McCain off her meds."

Elsewhere, in a sign that the world financial crisis may be deepening, leaders of the G7 nations asked President Bush for cab fare back to the airport.

Andy Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears in The New Yorker and The New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site, BorowitzReport.com.