New Cell Phone Risks Cause Panic Among Assholes

A new medical report showing that excessive cell phone use may increase the risk of cancer has sparked widespread fear among the nation's assholes, prominent assholes confirmed today.

For years, America's assholes have talked relentlessly on their cell phones -- while waiting on supermarket lines, sitting on the bus, or even crossing the street -- regardless of the effect their annoying chatter has had on those around them.

But with a new doctor's warning that cell phone use could pose a serious health risk, many jerks and douchebags are considering changing their ways.

Tracy Klugian, 32, an asshole who works as a realtor in Tallahassee, Florida, said that he and his Bluetooth have been "inseparable" for the past three years, but the new health scare may change that.

"I didn't think twice about using my cell when it was only annoying other people, but now that it may be harming me, I'm going to have to kiss it goodbye," he said. "This totally sucks."

When asked what he will miss most about his cell phone, Mr. Klugian said, "I loved when it would go off in the middle of a movie and wreck the experience for everyone seated around me -- that was awesome."

Davis Logsdon, an anthropologist who studies the behavior of egregious assholes at the University of Minnesota, said that the cell phone scare is only the latest in a series of setbacks for the nation's douchebags.

"Thanks to rising gas prices, many of them have already had to give up their SUVs -- and now this," Dr. Logsdon said. "All in all, this has been a tough summer for assholes."

Andy Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears in The New Yorker and The New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site, BorowitzReport.com. He hosts "Countdown to the Election, with special guests Joy Behar (The View) and Jeffrey Toobin (CNN, bestselling author of "The Nine") at the 92nd Street Y in NYC on October 22 at 8 PM. Student tickets half-price. For tickets go to 92y.org.