New Downbeat Unemployment Numbers Include Republican Mistresses

Unemployment surged over the past two weeks, new statistics released today show, but the Department of Labor was careful to point out that much of that increase was due to "forced layoffs of Republican mistresses."

Over 50,000 G.O.P. hussies were furloughed during the two-week period ending July 3, and some Republicans fear that this could be only the beginning of a worrisome trend.

A new bill that would offer retention pay for Republican mistresses, tentatively called No Skank Left Behind, is one remedy proposed by the penis of Sen. John Ensign (R-Nev).

"I'll tell you what's a sin," Sen. Ensign's penis told reporters. "It's a sin that we have had to let so many fine, fine women go." More Borowitz here.

Andy Borowitz is a comedian and the author of "Who Moved My Soap? The CEO's Guide to Surviving in Prison: The Bernie Madoff Edition."

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