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Next Week's News

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The following is a forecast of next week's news, for the week of Monday, May 14:

Monday, May 14: HBO will sign a multimillion-dollar deal with former CEO Chris Albrecht to broadcast all future bouts with his girlfriends.

Tuesday, May 15: In an attempt to improve flagging enlistment rates, the Army will change its official recruiting slogan from "Army Strong" to "I Can't Believe It's Not a Civil War."

Wednesday, May 16: Reflecting on her visit with the Bush family, Queen Elizabeth II will release this official statement: "And I thought my family was inbred."

Thursday, May 17: In an effort to clarify his position on abortion, Rudy Giuliani will challenge himself to a debate.

Friday, May 18: Responding to ABC's decision to set 2010 as the ending point for the hit series Lost, Vice President Dick Cheney will say that setting such a deadline "sends a dangerous message to the enemy."

Saturday, May 19: JetBlue founder David Neeleman will say that he does not know exactly when he is departing the company because he is departing on JetBlue.

Sunday, May 20: Former White House intern Monica Lewinsky will officially toss her hat in the ring for the Democratic nomination for president. Ms. Lewinsky will offer herself as an alternative to Hillary, saying, "It worked before."

Comedian Andy Borowitz appears at Caroline's on Broadway in "Next Week's News" with Amy Sedaris on May 24. Caroline's is at 1626 Broadway; box office is 212-757-4100. Tickets also available at and or by calling Ticketweb at 866-468-7619.