Next Year's News

2008 Predictions from BorowitzReport.com:

January: After paying five billion dollars for The Wall Street Journal, Rupert Murdoch will reduce the size of the paper by removing the facts.

February: Responding to the controversy over the CIAs' waterboarding videotapes, President Bush will reaffirm his administration's opposition to videotaping.

March: As the writers strike drags on, Paramount will produce the second Transformers film without a script, just like they did with the first one.

April: Monica Lewinsky will announce her candidacy for President of the United States. She will offer herself as an alternative to Hillary, saying, "It worked before."

May: Attempting to bolster flagging enlistment rates, the Army will change its recruitment slogan from "Army Strong" to "I Can't Believe It's Not a Civil War."

June: Population experts will warn that the world's population will soar in 2008, largely due to the Spears sisters.

July: China will send a new brand of rat poison to the United States under the name "Delicious Cupcakes."

August: Sen. Edward Kennedy will abandon plans to write his memoirs, explaining, "I can't even remember what I did last night."

September: At the Republican National Convention, G.O.P. nominee Mike Huckabee will select Jesus Christ as his running mate.

October: O.J. Simpson will be convicted in Las Vegas, proving that it is easier to get away with murder than stealing sports memorabilia.

November: President-elect Michael Bloomberg will defend the five-billion-dollar cost of his campaign, arguing, "Rupert Murdoch paid that much for The Wall Street Journal, and I get a whole country."

And December: In his last official act, President Bush will announce an exit strategy from Iraq. The President will withdraw all U.S. troops - through Iran.

Andy Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears in The New Yorker and The New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site, BorowitzReport.com. He hosts an all-new edition of "Next Week's News" starring Amy Sedaris. John Oliver (The Daily Show) and Christian Finnegan (VH1's Best Week Ever) at Comix on Thursday January 17 at 8 PM. Comix is located at 353 West 14th Street, just east of Ninth Avenue. For tickets, call 212-524-2500 or go to comixny.com. For a $5 discount, use the promotional code ANDY.

Comments

[Sidewhispers]

The Dems will get annoyed and stop proposing new bills to end the war because they are tired of people laughing at them when Bush slaps them down.

[LeonFreilich]

SHE'S PAID HER BILL

Hillary boasts of her eight White House years

As the campaign approaches a crescendo,

And just who will deny that experience counts--

Years of coping with rumor and innuendo.

[fullkelly]

Next April Oprah will announce her candidacey for president- noting it hasn't worked for Obama because he's not the talk show host.

[BluGrrl]

Hilarious. This blog was a great way to start my day off :)

[Sciguy]

Huckabee can't have Jesus Christ as a running mate - Mitt Romney's already got him. Mitt Romney also has 3 other running mates: Joseph Smith, Ronald Reagan, and Moroni. Others to be named later.

Hey, this is AMERICA! Can't a man have more than 1 running mate if he can support them all?

[jqcitizen]

Next year?
Didn't Take the "Lapdag" Blair to convert from the Church of England to allegiance to Rome.
Going from Texas "Evangelical" to Methodist says something.

[Stanley]

At least Monica might Bl** me rather than Fu** me like most politicians.

Sounds like a strong platform.

[larry278]

A Mike/Monica ticket would be a winner. Even bigots know that it's unusual for Jewish executives to fail save as entertainment suits. Monica has studied in the UK & become a candidate for an executive in an enterprise known for thinking out of the box. Mike could do far worse for a running mate. Monica is ready for a top position.

[ParacleteofKavorka]

If Monica becomes president, can we have John Goodman as VP Linda Tripp?

[Tankan]

Yeah! She's got what it takes to satisfy the position of President!

[zendem1]

January 2009:In President Huckabee's inaugural address he pledges to "end all war on the planet," "to work together with Democrats,""make health care possible for all," and "to open a diplomatic dialog with Iran." He then utters the nearly inaudible tag line,"When monkeys fly out of my butt."

Bill will divorce Hillary and marry Monica Lewinsky. Bill says, "it worked before."

Hillary Clinton will return to the Senate, and vote "yes", on invading Iran, and a tax bill for the rich. She will buy a large house in upstate NY with Karen Hughes.

The Hollywood writers strike will continue on indefinitely, and nobody will give a damn.

The Bush Administration will rewrite the Constitution, giving the President unlimited power, making the Vice-President immune to Congressional oversight, and making it legal to for the President to authorize the military to act as law-enforcement on American soil. (oh wait..shit..thats already been done.)

[elementixx]

I don't think China will wait 'til July to poison us.

[BobHiggins]

Good stuff, thanks and happy cupcakes

Bob Higgins
http://worldwide-sawdust.com

[peterg76]

"President Bush will announce an exit strategy from Iraq. The President will withdraw all U.S. troops - through Iran."

Looks like the truth slipped in by mistake.

[springsm]

The comment on Lewinsky was tasteless. But I do appreciate Andy's humor.