Northwest Pilots Not in Cockpit; Found at Home Hiding in Box

MINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report) - The mystery surrounding the Northwest Airlines flight that strayed 150 miles from its intended destination was resolved today as Northwest reported that the two pilots for the flight were never in the cockpit to begin with.

"We found them safe at home, hiding in a box," said Northwest spokesperson Carol Foyler. "We're just glad that this story had a happy ending."

Despite the positive resolution to the pilots' drama, Northwest said they were moving forward on a number of safety measures, such as banning the computer game Guitar Hero in the cockpit.

Elsewhere, Elizabeth Taylor revised her statement that the Michael Jackson film "This Is It" is "the most brilliant piece of filmmaking I have ever seen" to read, "I have gone completely around the bend." More here.