Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama will use his thirty-minute infomercial tonight to unveil a new breakthrough in exercise technology that will guarantee all Americans "sexy, rock-hard abs," the Obama campaign confirmed today.
While most political insiders assumed that Sen. Obama would use the costly airtime to attempt to "close the deal" with the American people, few expected him to include the promise of a sculpted midsection as the keystone of his closing argument.
"This is an issue that cuts across all voting blocs - Democrats, Republicans, independents, you name it," said Obama strategist David Axelrod. "Everyone wants well-defined, shredded abs."
In a clip of the infomercial released to the press, Sen. Obama appears in spandex exercise wear and demonstrates his ab-sculpting machine, called the "Obamaciser."
"America, you're probably asking yourselves, 'Can we really have rock-hard abs?'" Sen. Obama says. "Repeat after me: Yes we can."
As Sen. Obama prepared to unveil his revolutionary ab-blasting system, the McCain campaign was rocked by reports that a top McCain adviser referred to his running mate, Alaska governor Sarah Palin, as "a psycho douchebag."
The controversial comment came one day after a top Palin adviser compared Sen. McCain to "the corpse in 'Weekend at Bernie's,' only less lively."
Sen. McCain tried to draw attention away from the internecine brouhaha today by announcing that if elected, he would name Joe the Plumber Secretary of State.
"Joe the Plumber is eminently qualified," Sen. McCain told a crowd in Toledo, Ohio. "A hell of a lot more qualified than that psycho douchebag."
Andy Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears in The New Yorker and The New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site, BorowitzReport.com.