Poll: Majority Favor Earlier Bedtime for McCain

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - In the wake of several cranky public utterances by Arizona's senior senator in recent days, a new poll shows that a majority of Americans favor an earlier bedtime for John McCain.

Fifty-two percent of those surveyed strongly agreed with the statement, "When John McCain says he doesn't want to serve in the Senate even though he is running for re-election it makes me think he is staying up too late."

When asked which other public figures appear to be staying up past their bedtime, forty-one percent named Newsweek's Howard Fineman.

Respondents strongly agreed with the statement, "When Howard Fineman starts going on about how Barack Obama is like a Kenyan long-distance runner it makes me think he should already be in his pajamas."

In other news, Vice President Joe Biden said he regretted his most recent comment caught on mic, "John Boehner can bite my big fat throbbing cock." More here.