Retail Sector Soars on News that Palin Seeks New Outfit

Offering a sharp contrast to the general gloom on Wall Street today, retail stocks soared on the news that Gov. Sarah Palin (R-Alaska) plans to buy a new outfit for Election Night.

Major retailers had been plummeting all day but staged a stunning comeback when Gov. Palin told a reporter in Ohio, "Election Night is just eleven days away and I have nothing to wear."

Gov. Palin said that a new dress for Election Night could cost as much as $20,000, "and that's before you accessorize."

Major department stores such as Neiman Marcus and Saks Fifth Avenue rebounded dramatically on the news of Gov. Palin's plans, with some industry analysts predicting that Gov. Palin's shopping could bail out the entire retail sector in the fourth quarter.

"Right now, the only part of the economy that's strong is Sarah Palin's shopping," said Tracy Klugian of Morgan Stanley. "She is a one-woman stimulus package."

Elsewhere, former Fed Chief Alan Greenspan gave this testimony to Congress today: "To those millions of Americans who have lost their jobs, their homes, and their life savings, let me offer a heartfelt 'oopsy.'"

Andy Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears in The New Yorker and The New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site, BorowitzReport.com.