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Tiger Hopes Sincere Apology Will Get Him Tons of Ass

04/05/2010 03:22 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

AUGUSTA, GA (The Borowitz Report) - Moments after facing the press in advance of his appearance at the Masters, a somber Tiger Woods reflected on his apology to the golf world, stating, "I really hope that apology gets me tons of ass."

"I've been told that the ladies like a dude who can take responsibility for his actions and apologize for them," he said. "Whether in my case that will translate to a significant amount of tail remains to be seen."

Mr. Woods said he was monitoring his incoming texts "very closely" and that he hoped that America's cocktail waitresses, club hostesses and thong models "got turned on by the whole contrition thing."

"I know in my heart I gave a great performance out there," he said. "Let's just hope that America's skanks agree." More here.