EAST KOREA (The Borowitz Report) - The situation on the Korean peninsula became more precarious today as the little-known nation of East Korea, tired of being overlooked, declared war on both North and South Korea.
Saying it has grown weary of being "the forgotten Korea," East Korea said it hoped that declaring war on the two more famous Koreas would establish a new reputation for the often-ignored country "as the angriest and craziest Korea out there."
"The world ignores the People's Republican Democracy of East Korea at its peril," said East Korean strongman Bong Jung Hee. "Those who fail to take notice of us should prepare to feel the full fiery fury of East Korea's savage might."
Minutes after East Korea issued that statement, North Korean president Kim Jong-Il offered this response: "North Korea really needs to dial it back a little."
Intelligence experts believe that East Korea might be adopting its bellicose posture in an effort to get food, but that its threats ring somewhat hollow since the country is believed to possess absolutely no weapons.
If, however, East Korea could somehow convince the world to give it weapons, it would then use those weapons to get additional food, such as dessert.
In a sign of just how insulated it has become from information about the outside world, East Korea also demanded that the European Union pay it a ransom of 10 trillion Euros.
Speaking for the EU, German chancellor Andrea Merkel said, "Obviously, we don't have that kind of money, but we'd be happy to give them Ireland."
In Washington, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton explained the administration's delay in issuing a response to East Korea, saying American officials were still having trouble locating the obscure country on a map.
"Frankly, we're not even positive it exists," she said. "But we're checking WikiLeaks to see if we badmouthed them." More here.
The Los Angeles Times says Andy Borowitz has "one of the funniest Twitter feeds around." Follow Andy on Twitter here.