NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) - Tedious observations about the severe winter weather are expected to dominate the conversations of uninteresting people for the next 24 to 48 hours, boredom experts warned today.
With blizzard conditions blanketing the Northeast, a powerful front of mind-numbing weather-related banter is expected to pound the Eastern Seaboard from Sunday into Monday, with statements of the obvious stretching from the Carolinas to New England.
"Blizzards like this are when boring people really come alive, unfortunately," said Dr. Davis Logsdon of the University of Minnesota's Meteorology Institute. "I would advise everyone to stay inside and avoid all contact with dull individuals unless it's an absolute emergency."
Tracy Klugian, 57, a prominent bore from Cincinnati, Ohio, said that she planned to take a break from her scrapbooking hobby to post Facebook updates about the weather on an hourly basis.
"I live for days like this," said Ms. Klugian. "I've already said 'so much for global warming' ten times today."
Ms. Klugian said she was spending the afternoon calling friends and relatives "to ask if it's cold enough for them."
"I sure have a lot to say about this snow and everything," she said. "I can't wait until somebody picks up." More here.
The Los Angeles Times says Andy Borowitz has "one of the funniest Twitter feeds around." Follow Andy on Twitter here.