MINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report) - A new economic study reveals that once Oprah and Facebook are subtracted, the United States of America is worth 40 dollars.
Professor Davis Logsdon, who conducted the study for the University of Minnesota Economics Institute, called the findings surprising: "Quite frankly, the number came in several trillions lower than we had expected."
And he added, in a note of caution, "That forty dollar figure is deceptive because we owe 42 dollars of it to China."
As a sign of Oprah's continuing economic power, yesterday more than 20 million Americans stepped forward to claim that they were her half-sisters.
An angry mob of Oprah's purported half-sisters marched on the talk show host's studio yesterday, demanding new cars and trips to Australia.
In an acknowledgment of the country's ballooning budget deficit, President Obama announced that tonight would be the first ever Tostitos™ State of the Union Address. More here.
The Los Angeles Times says Andy Borowitz has "one of the funniest Twitter feeds around." Follow Andy on Twitter here.br />
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