CAIRO (The Borowitz Report) -- As protests in Egypt enter their second week, the consensus in diplomatic circles is a sense of disbelief that Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak has not fucking left yet.
Around the world, diplomats spoke openly about Mr. Mubarak, often in language reserved for WikiLeaks cables, underlining the prevailing opinion that Mr. Mubarak is behaving like a ginormous dick.
"Hosni Mubarak is acting like an in-law who's stayed too long and can't take a hint," said the usually reserved Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. "I have no idea why he's still fucking there, other than to be an epic douche."
Even President Barack Obama, renowned for his careful choice of words, seemed to be losing patience with Mr. Mubarak: "I never thought I'd say this about someone, but Hosni Mubarak is an even bigger jackass than Kanye."
In a sign that the US may be trying to send a clear message to Mr. Mubarak, today the State Department dispatched Donald Trump to Egypt.
As people once again filled the streets of Cairo, Fox News said that it could not estimate the crowd size "until we know how many of them are Democrats."
Meanwhile, CNN's Wolf Blitzer said that as the crisis deepens in Egypt, "Stay tuned to CNN for up-to-the-minute reports about Charlie Sheen." More here.
The Los Angeles Times says Andy Borowitz has "one of the funniest Twitter feeds around." Follow Andy on Twitter here.
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