Welcome to the War-Room, men.
You've arrived at the Headquarters For The Tactical and Strategic Planning For Mother's Days Everywhere. (HTSPMDE for short.)
We come together in this virtual room to devise new -- and better -- ways for you to celebrate Mother's Day. No longer will women have to be subjected to the standard flower bouquet or foot massage cliché that we all find so tiresome.
Instead, for your educational benefit, we bestow upon you:
5 Dad Tactics For Surviving Mother's Day
1. Heightened Appreciation
A day or two before Mother's Day, strap a keg to your stomach, put rubber bands around your ankles, eat yourself to bursting, cover yourself in a heating pad turned on to full blast and then drink an entire bottle of fast-acting laxative to simulate childbirth.
After you have recovered, it won't matter what you do on Mother's Day; it will wind up being miraculously ten times better than it would have been before the simulation. At the very least, mom will have the satisfying gift of knowing that dad has some tiny semblance of an idea of what becoming a mother felt like.
2. Dumb Dad Stereotype
There's a whole lot of news lately about dad wars and dumb dads and all that. We say USE IT.
On the Day of Mother's, act like the biggest beer-swilling, insensitive, chauvinistic fool you can. You may need to get the kids involved. Have them complain about you. If you only have a newborn or toddler at hand, use them to their fullest by giving your tykes erasable markers to mark up the walls, and telling your beloved that they were sharpies.
Just when you start see the mom in your life get that eye-twitch that says "I bring life and I can also destroy it," bring her out to the patio or an open area where a helicopter awaits with a bottle of champagne inside accompanied by a pilot wearing a tuxedo. Tell her you're flying to wine country (or Italy, if it's closer). By that time, she'll have passed out from the sheer exhaustion of dealing with you and you can tell her what a great time you both had together.
Don't forget to buy wine.
3. Tough Love
There are Mominators out there. You know the ones: They can't be bargained with. They can't be reasoned with. And they absolutely will not stop, ever, until their kids are well fed, with their hair brushed and their flies zipped up. They keep going, even when they're supposed to be being pampered.
So! Tie her up. While she's sleeping. Wrists and ankles bound to bedposts, for her own good. You see, waking up to breakfast in bed is great, but it's nothing compared to the luxury of being spoon fed breakfast in bed! She won't be able to start fussing about, planning the next day or rubbing anyone's face with a spitty thumb. She can just lay back and relax. She's got no choice.
4. 50 Shades of Gray
Tell her you're getting her an at-home hair makeover by celebrity stylist, Jacques LeCoq. Set up a room or area in your garage with a chair, a basin and various hair dyes and peroxides. Light a lavender candle. Bust out the apricot aromatherapy scrubs. Turn on the Kenny G.
Then, put on your rubber dish gloves and make that magic happen.
That's right. By coloring her hair yourself, you'll not only save money but you'll get to show her another talent you may not have even known you had.
Don't bother reading up on how to do highlights or lowlights or Ombre. They all mean pretty colored hair. And that's what she wants.
5. A Michael Bay Day
If there's anything the cinema has taught us, it's that moms love Michael Bay.
Maybe it's all the close-ups as doves and pieces of flying shrapnel and lens flares dance behind the hero in slow motion, we don't honestly know. But we do know this: the man can make a movie. So, we've decided to implement his style in real-time. What better way to make a mom feel cherished?
Take your lady-mom out to a nice evening but make sure to choreograph an epic fight scene in the midst of your pleasant outing. Hire stunt coordinators, pyrotechnics experts, actors, Linkin Park, demolitions guys and stunt drivers. Women love explosions. It's a scientific fact. Show her you love her by being the hero in a real life movie with the two of you as the main characters.
It doesn't matter if your car gets shot to pieces. The value of knowing that you care enough to take a bullet while the music hits a crescendo and you shoot 30 ninjas with one gun is enough. Trust us.
So, men, keep these ideas in mind. Don't improvise. Our methods rely on advanced technology. Failure to follow them to the letter could be fatal. Ladies, if you're surveilling us ... share this post with the men in your life. Honestly, they'll probably feel better about buying you something nicer or making it an extra special day.
And let us know if we missed any other obvious strategies.