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Jennie Finch Reproduces Without Me Again

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Once again, legendary women's softball pitcher Jennie Finch has given birth to a baby boy and sadly, I was not involved in any way. No photos of the child have been released, but he probably resembles a combination of Jennie...

...and a man that can only be described as not me. Painfully, not this guy. And now my softball sized heart has been torn at the seams just a little bit more.

There are so many things this child will grow up never knowing about me, his surreal father. He won't have my adventurous hairline -- always changing, always keeping life interesting!

He won't inherit my highly coveted Cleavage Comic Chest -- a collection of comic books featuring top-notch cleavage shots, conveniently separated into human boobs and alien boobs.

And if he's anything like his pretend old man, he'll regularly need the help of a dynamite legal team.

Congratulations. I guess. One of these days, penis. One of these days.