No Marriage License, Inc.

11/04/2011 04:12 pm ET | Updated Jan 04, 2012

If the recent Kim Kardashian divorce has taught us anything, it's that some women out there just aren't interested in marriage. Perhaps they're simply fixated on the idea of marriage.

They want the proposal and the ring. They want the ceremony, the dress and the reception. They just don't want all that commitment crap that comes after.

That's where we come in!


You get the proposal, the ceremony and the reception, but the ink on our marriage licenses will never dry!

No Marriage License, Inc. is a 3-step program. Far fewer steps than the alcoholism programs you'll need to join when you really marry!


After signing up for No Marriage License Inc, we establish a sixth month proposal window. At a random time within that period, you will be surprised with a public proposal, based on the personality test given upon your introduction to our program.

It may be a bed of roses, it may be an elaborate pattern of lights, skywriting, or even a shaved message into a man's body -- you choose the area!

The proposal will be everything you want it to be: endearing, a little cheesy, and embarrassingly public. You won't know who. You won't know when. But at some point within that sixth month time frame, a man will propose to you. And we guarantee it will scare the shit out of you. Just like real marriage!


Then comes the Ceremony, with all the fixings! Flowers or plain? Traditional or WoW characters -- groom's side dresses Horde, bride's side dresses Alliance? With Jesus or without? We can accommodate all tastes and styles! You just say the word and the groom's side of the church will be all zombies! Or sex dolls! Or zombie sex dolls, if you're into that!

We won't judge! ... Unless you're into judgment, of course! Tell us what you want! *

(*Want to be told what you want? No Marriage License, Inc. features a domination option, for those brides who are into that sort of thing. We'll be overbearing, jealous and borderline psychotic. Clients must sign a waiver prior to our Proposal phase.)


Lastly, it's the Reception. This is when your personality really comes out to shine. Do you want to dance in a sweaty mingling of family and friends, or would you rather it be a reminder of your junior high ice cream socials? We'll even supply the actress to play the pregnant girl present at every junior high dance as well as her 21 year old boyfriend who received permission to be there. (Police officer actors, there to arrest the boyfriend for statutory rape, will cost extra!)

Fire your bouquet out of a cannon! Fire your bridesmaids out of a cannon! Or fire a cannonball out of a cannon at your bridesmaids! We'll take care of authorities and all the red tape!

Tired of the boring Father Daughter dances? Did you always wish your dad was Abraham Lincoln? Well, now he can be! He'll even take out a Confederate soldier or two with his bear hands to protect his baby girl who's now all grown up! No, you read correctly, your Abraham Lincoln father will have the hands of a BEAR. Choose from up to 20 different species!

And after the last dance, you say goodbye to your guests, and you wipe your hands clean. There's no relationship, no messy family business to take care of, and most importantly, you still have your dignity.

Because let's face it, once you're really married, your life is over.