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Andy McDonald

Andy McDonald

Posted: May 7, 2010 12:48 PM

Questions for the Chinese Eel Guys, Besides "What the ****?!"

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On Monday, Huffington Post reported on a Chinese man who died of internal bleeding after his friends had inserted an 50cm eel into his rectum as "a joke." The group of friends were allegedly very drunk at the time.

Questions, questions, questions.

1. Proximity
What's the proximity rule on shoving an eel into a friend's rectum? And when I say "an eel" really I mean "anything," as I cannot imagine walking in on a friend doing this and looking more favorably on some items than others. "Is that an eel? Oh, that's just sick!" ... "Is that a squid? As you were...."

Is there contact? Do you place the eel nearby and sort of hope for the best? If so, how many attempts were made? What's the failure rate on an eel rectum insertion? And where do you rank in those stats? Are you, say, the Ted Williams of eel rectum insertion, or do you just once in a while get lucky like, say, a Bill Bergen?

2. Resources
Where do you go for a rectum eel? Do you have a rectum eel go-to guy? Is he also your regular edible eel supplier? Is that now just dawning on you? Might I suggest using two different vendors?

3. Stealth
Aren't ninjas a part of Japanese cultural history? I'm sure Chinese martial arts allow for strategical sneaking as well, but... how do you ninja an eel into your friend's rectum? Drunk or not, those are impressive skills. China's intelligence agency, the Ministry of State Security, probably has some Tom Cruise-hanging-from-the-ceiling, Mission Impossible job that may suit your abilities.

"What, you need a seafaring creature thrust into a place, a nether region if you will, where seafaring creatures were never meant to voyage? I know just the man for the job."

4. Humor
What are your other jokes like? Where does this rank? Near the bottom? (Hey-oh!) Are you an animal comic similar to how Carrot Top is a prop comic? Do you write your own stuff, or do people write for you? You're not pulling it out of your ass like the guy who stole from Patton Oswalt, are you? No, no, no, of course, out of the ass is not the direction you're going in.

5. Future
Where do you go from here? Your target audience is now smaller I suppose, since one of them actually died. Keep your head up, though. Sure, your intended demographic has shrunken, but if there's one thing I think you're probably good at, it's finding your way into tight places.