The Crazy Thoughts of the Recently Dumped

02/10/2013 08:06 pm ET | Updated Apr 12, 2013

Welcome to part two of my "New Year, New You" Trilogy. The first was about jobs, and getting the one you want with a borderline illegal cover letter (hope that trial went well).

This is about relationships. And like Empire Strikes Back, this is perhaps the darkest and saddest of the trilogy.

Don't take this title the wrong way. I'm not implying that I've just been dumped. That's not the deep dark place this article comes from. HAHA what would give you that impression?! HAHAHAHA nothing could be further from the truth! HAHAHAHAHAHA I can't remember when I'd heard a more ridiculous assumption! HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I've been very much a solid stable contributing member of society and not at all locked up in my childhood bedroom for the last two weeks unshowered and collecting my urine HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!


When people are dumped -- we'll call them "dumpees" (also the term my mom used to potty train me), especially after they've mentally devoted a lot of energy to the person who dumped them -- we'll call those people "dumpers" (also the term in grade school when girls pooped their jumpers... "WE GOT A DUMPER!"), the thoughts that rattle around in the old brain bowl can border on insanity.

After all, you've spent a lot of time with this person, and you've slowly allowed your mind to believe this person is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. All these gaps, these unknowns, in the thought process concerning your future are bridged, with thick reinforced steel. The road ahead isn't clear, but you know the direction. And together, you and this person are barreling forward, like the crazy driving nomad gangs in Mad Max. Maybe you wear mohawks and clothes with spikes on them and fix live people to the front of your bumpers, I'm not judging! Love is crazy!

But with that crazy love comes the crazy aftermath. The hundreds of torturously unanswered text messages and phone calls. The paranoia. The inability to turn your brain off. The creep line. The creep line is that line that, by crossing it, officially labels you as the creepy ex. You can see the line. It's right there. And you know not to cross it. But you just can't resist! There might be something really great on the other side of that line. It's like the tale of Bluebeard -- who knows what's inside that room? It might be nothing... but it might be the GREATEST THING EVER.

And now you're creepy.

I can't speak from the perspective of a girl who's been dumped, but I'm sure the caliber of crazy is much the same. Maybe we'll drive past their house to see if they're home. We don't want them to see us necessarily, we just want to see them. I know, creepy. Or maybe we'll send them a text message 25 seconds after the last one, because we deemed 20 seconds too soon and 30 seconds too hesitant.

When love is concerned, LOGIC BE DAMNED!

Please, enjoy. Unless you're currently having thoughts like these. In which case, get help...

  • "No, I'll text her once more, and this is the message that will explain everything, including that last message, and the 38 unanswered messages before that."
  • "Whose car is that in front of her house? Is that another guy? I can't believe she would do that to me! It's only been three months! I'll stay parked here for one more day and then I'm outta here!"
  • "Ugh, this is so dumb, I'm overreacting. It's only been a week, it's not like she's out having sex with a guy in her dad's den wearing only that orange top I like and her hair back in a pony tail and her Killers CD playing in the background and that oil-rubbed bronze lamp on the lowest lit setting and also it has a red bulb in it and all the sex is in super slow motion and oh now here comes that grocery store clerk she seemed to be flirting with that one time after which we got into a big fight. No, that's definitely not happening exactly like that."
  • "Oh, looks like she left a small unopened yogurt in my fridge... she'll probably want to know about it, I better call her. ... Hmm, no answer. Alright, better drop it over at her house. ... Hmm, doesn't seem to live here anymore. ... Well, to the hall of records I go!"
  • "Is it weird that I've friend requested most of her extended family on Facebook after she dumped me? Nah.... hmm, third cousin on your father's side living in Australia. G'day!"
  • "If I sleep with my bluetooth headset on, I'll be ready for her call at anytime. Hmm, can't risk it falling off, better use the cell phone and belt holster as back up."
  • "If I just had the chance to explain myself I know she would understand. I'll wait for her by her car in that dark parking garage after she's out from self-defense class."
  • "Hahahahahahaha, no it's gonna be just fine! Hahahahahaha she just needs some space! And once she realizes what she had hahahahahahahaha, we'll totaly be back together! Until then, I'll occupy my mind with something else! Hahahahahahaha, now, where is that box with all her hair I saved?"
  • "A Farmville request from that guy at work... she knows I love that game. And he's asking me for wood and nails to help him build a barn.... We did once watch that movie Witness with Harrison Ford in the Amish community and they raised a barn in that... She must be using him to message me."
  • "I'm going to have flowers delivered to her office desk. That'll show her I'm serious. Wait, no, I'll deliver them personally. Just have to find a way past security again."
  • "Hmm, where would she usually be right now? That's right, on her way home from the gym. I better get out of her apartment and take her dress off."
  • "There's her car outside her church. I wonder if I should go in and run into her on accident. Ah, but she knows I don't go to church, hmm... I got it! I'll totally bump into her then make some joke about how I never go to church, then dip my fingers in the holy water and then joke that it's burning my flesh off! Oh man, this is going to be hilarious, she'll love it!"
  • "Hey, there's her dad. I'd better go say something. Oh, he's heading for the bathroom. Perfect, I'll grab the urinal next to him. He always liked me."
  • "Hey, there's her Mom. I'd better go say something. Oh, she's heading for the fitting room. Perfect, I'll grab the one right next to her. She always liked me."
  • "Hey, there's her sister. I should ask her for her number in case my ex loses her phone and needs a way to get in touch with me. She always liked me. ... Maybe she'd go out with me."
  • "Her favorite song. I miss hearing this song. Well, I better get out of this tree before she sees me."
  • "Who is this other guy posting funny things on her Facebook page? Doesn't he know she's in pain because she broke up with me?! ... And she's liking it?? You two-timing hussie!!"

Stay tuned for the finale of my "New Year, New You" Trilogy when I discuss getting in shape, and the batshit crazy culture you must join in order to do so.