07/25/2012 02:56 pm ET | Updated Sep 24, 2012

The Real Reason Mitt Romney Won't Release His Tax Returns

For weeks presidential candidate Mitt Romney has refused to release key tax returns from his years at Bain Capital. Analysts on both sides of the aisle believe generally that he is hiding something. No one is suggesting Romney has done anything illegal, only that the returns may contain items that run counter to his "GO, AMERICA!" attitude. (Or should I say "GO, AMERCIA!") Paying no taxes, being CEO of a company that outsources jobs, etc.

But the truth is even more mindblowing.

With the help my very secretive sources at Romney campaign headquarters (they're so secretive, they don't even want to know they work there), I have acquired a document from one of the years in question.

Critics wanted to see these documents because of what might have been claimed, what might have been written off, etc. What if I told you Mitt Romney was claimed? Not as a dependent, or a CEO, but rather... as a construction project.

Mitt Romney is a robot.


Mitt Romney doesn't want to reveal his returns because Mitt Romney doesn't want to reveal that he was actually created, according to engineers I spoke to, present during his construction.

After being terribly disappointed with his first son, G. Scott Romney, George Romney set out to create a better son, one who would do what he was told, not be too passionate one way or another, and grow up (given the proper physical upgrades once a year; his "birthday"... wink) to be just like him.

So George went to his best car engineers, and they constructed M.I.T.T. or Metallic Independent Thinking Toddler, then Metallic Independent Thinking Teen, then later on Man In Titanium Trousers.

Scientists beamed George Romney's essence directly into a metal shell body, and called it Transmitting Romney. They called the creation the Romney Transmitter, then Mitter, and finally just "Mitt." (CD-Romney when Mitt was fitted with a CD-Rom in the late '80s.)

The first MITT was given all the mental tools his Republican father could program into him. So naturally, he revolted and killed his engineer creators and had to be destroyed. Engineers later found that they had set his passion levels too high.

The second generation MITT wasn't passionate about anything, except killing his creators, which he did.

The third MITT, also known as presidential candidate Governor Mitt Romney, was a mechanical home run. Engineers turned his aspiration levels up way high, so that he wanted to aim higher than turning on his creators and crushing their soft melon heads with his vice-like gauntlets. They made him eager to please. Mitt wanted humans to like him, and they can't like you if they're killed by a robot. The robot logic was solid.

Since this was the early days of computers, says one scientist, Mitt was not given much memory, so when new information imprinted in his banks, it often deleted older contradicting memories.

George set Mitt's aspiration dial to infinite which explains his run for President of the United States, the most powerful position on the planet. If he wins that, his time on Earth will be complete. Should he not be hired for a second term, his robot transmitter will send out its final commands, he will ignite, and rocket off into the universe where he'll search for his next conquer.

But wherever he eventually calls home, naturally he'll store his money elsewhere.

Editor's note: This post is intended to be construed as satire.