The Tea Party's 10 Ways to Survive Town Hall Meetings

06/01/2011 01:30 pm ET | Updated Jul 31, 2011

A Tea Party group (founded by former congressman Dick Armey) known as FreedomWorks has provided new GOP congressmen and women with talking points that will help them survive budget-focused town hall meetings which have recently been very confrontational for conservatives. To review, that's a tea bagging group founded by a Dick Armey.

The Tea Party talking points are as follows...

1. First and foremost, don't hold or attend town hall meetings. Stay away from the American people as much as possible. They might ask questions, but worse yet, you may have to answer them. Plus, they have diseases like rickets and polio. Just being around them will greatly decrease your chances of reaching heaven.

2. Remember to always walk around with pockets full of tea bags. And hand them out generously saying, "I'm teabagging everyone!" And when people understandably clamor to get their hands on the tea bags, assure them by saying, "Don't worry, you'll get teabagged, too!"

3. When someone brings up that you want to privatize Medicare, blind them with an accurately thrown tea bag, then make your escape while they're busy removing the Earl Grey from their eyes.

4. When the issue of raising the debt ceiling comes up, tell the people that the only ceiling you'll be raising is the one over your in-house chapel, so that you can be closer to God. Then while people are aww-ing, disappear in a cloud of English Breakfast!

5. Don't bury your head in the sand. Bury it in solid gold. Gold is less reactive and will protect you from the germs of everyday people. Also, with more gold and wealth, you're sure to get into heaven.

6. To communicate the Democratic budget plan, simply hold up a blank sheet of paper. Everyone knows the book-reading liberals have been in the pockets of Big Paper for years. If you want an even more powerful image, hold up an empty tea bag. The people will get it. Then, this time disappear into a cloud of White Tea, because of all the anti-oxidants.

7. Stick to your message. And to highlight your uncanny message stickiness, create a large sheet of fly paper, put in on the wall of the town hall and have your advisers catapult you high onto the sheet of sticky paper. If you run out of things to say while stuck to the wall, don't worry, our top conservative scientists tell us that American commoners hunt by detecting movement. Eventually they'll give up and find weaker prey elsewhere.

8. Hold town hall meetings at Senior Centers. These are the people most affected by the Medicare issue. Also, you'll get credit for holding the town hall meetings and they won't recall anything you said. Remember, they're old.

9. When people enter, give them a voucher for a free tea bag. This will get them used to a voucher system. "Hey, voucher systems can't be all that bad," they'll say. "After all, it did get me this free tea bag!"

10. If someone brings up the fact that 96% of the deficit increase was caused by Bush programs, remind them that you weren't there at the time because you're new. People often feel bad for the new guy. Remind them that new things have a nicer smell to them than old things. They'll want to smell nice new things since they are likely poor and smell bad. Eventually the people's questions will go away, just like Styrofoam cups, racial intolerance, and the sun.