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The Worst History Channel Acting Jobs the Apocalypse Has to Offer

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As we move toward the end of 2012 and the end of the world, shit is very gradually hitting the fan. Like an intergalactic bag of poop just beginning to spark on Earth's doorstep.

It affects all aspects of our civilization. The world economy, geopolitical relations, the environment, and even television. "What, the Earth is coming to an end soon, you say? Screw it, let's roll out another show where desperate people eat animal penises for money."

But few people have it worse in these end times than character actors in dramatic TV portrayals and reenactments on the History Channel or the Discovery Channel (I'm talking the one hour of non-reality TV they show weekly). Here are people who have dedicated their lives to a craft that probably brings them a great deal of joy. Only to use it to portray people who represent the downfall of humanity or the end of days.

Hitler

This first one is easy. Hitler actors. Poor bastards. Sure they're hidden behind a Chaplin mustache, but they're also wearing a Hitler mustache. You're Hitler. You're going to be doing a lot of scenes in a dark bunker or hopped up on meth or standing in front of flaming backgrounds. No redeeming factors here. And as you sit at your studio apartment breakfast nook slash bathroom, wearing your Hitler mustache and remembering your days as Hamlet in theater school, you'll slowly deteriorate into a delusional frenzy. The train will pass by your dark, dank, studio bunker, shaking it like the bombs of the Allied forces. And then the landlord will bang on the door and demand that you pay up. Man, you are Hitler.

The Antichrist

The Antichrist, when not shown as Napoleon or Hitler, is usually portrayed as a good-looking man in a business suit, someone who will wow you with his charms as you voluntarily follow him toward the end of the world. As an actor, it's good news and bad news. The good news is you're a handsome man who is charming and dresses well. The bad news is you'll use that charm to drag the world toward the apocalypse and utter oblivion.

I mean, come on, the Antichrist will know how to dress, because I find many evil people spend large portions of their day dressing themselves. I've created a new fashion term called Antichrist chic. And as you sit in your high rise studio apartment, looking over the creation that you will soon destroy in a History Channel presentation about the end of the world, you'll realize that your birthday is at the opposite side of the calendar from Christ's. You'll realize that while Jesus' dad built houses as a carpenter, your dad took them down via his demolition business. And while Mary is touted as a pure, chaste virgin, word around town about your mom is just the opposite. My god, you are the Antichrist.

Nostradamus

Ah, the fortune teller who never predicts anything good. Why is it that the ethereal powers of the universe never showed Nostradamus positive glimpses of the future. War, death, destruction. Hitler, the Antichrist, etc. As an actor, Nostradamus is an easy role. Just strap on a beard and dress in some weird clothes because your average viewer doesn't know what people dressed in back then -- they could have worn parachute pants. And a strange hat, always a strange hat. Top it off with a small mystical pool of water to look into, which Nostradamus referred to as FutureVision. Sounds like a piece of cake.

And as you stare despondently into the leftover milk from your cereal bowl, wearing a onesie (that someone got you as a joke) and an ear-flapped winter hat, because you have no clean clothes, you'll begin to see things in the bowl. You're not sure what. Strange contraptions. Nations at war. The things you see you can't identify. Is it because you've been up for 48 hours straight or that you're seeing into the unrecognizable distant future? Jumpin' Jehosaphat... you are Nostradamus.

Neanderthals

You can't talk about the end of humanity without discussing the beginning of it. A special on evolution maybe? This is where your non-verbal acting skills will shine. That is, if anyone could recognize your face. They'll apply layers and layers of makeup, but not as much as your fellow actors. Is it because you have a face pretty close to a Neanderthal's already? "You don't need as much work as he does," the makeup artist says to you. What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Are you a walking, bulbous frontal lobe?

As you finish the leftover chicken in your fridge, ripping the bone clean like an animal, you'll tell yourself your exceptional physique was the reason they cast you. Sure you have to shave a lot of hair off your body after you work out, but that doesn't mean anything. To hell with anyone who has something to say about it -- this could get you in at Geico! Dammit, you'll crush their skull in with a rock!

OTHER NOTABLE HISTORY CHANNEL ROLES...

  • Tool-wielding apes
  • Slaves hammering with chisels in foreground of digitally incomplete Great Pyramid
  • Ancient Egyptian architect comparing Great Pyramid with pyramid drawing on scroll and nodding favorably
  • Ancient Egyptian architect shaking hands with alien visitor as spaceship completes Great Pyramid in background
  • Wright brothers arguing over schematics
  • Torch-carrying Egyptian priests mummifying body
  • Body on stone slab in dimly lit room to be mummified
  • Apostles surprised by Jesus' empty tomb
  • Judas staring despondently at pieces of silver and length of rope
  • Shadow or silhouette of Roman senator stabbing shadow or silhouette of Caesar

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