04/02/2013 11:43 am ET Updated Jun 02, 2013

Sorry, America, I Hope We Can Still Be Friends -- Sincerely, Wisconsin

The booger-freezing winter is subsiding here in Wisconsin, giving way to the ever-lengthening and ever-warming days of spring, allowing our boogers to once again run wild and free. It's a great time of year.

Wisconsin is known for a lot of great things. It's often cited as the originator of Progressivism. It's the birthplace of famous figures like Gene Wilder, Orson Welles, Douglas MacArthur, and Frank Lloyd Wright. And it hosts Summerfest, the largest music festival in the world, as certified by Guiness. That's the World Record organization, not the beer maker, though we would have been fine with either, to the surprise of no one ever. Yeah, it can be a pretty great place.

And yet, I'm sorry, America.

In the last few years, Wisconsin has become the Ed Wood of politician production. Sure, they can be entertaining, but it's not because they're good. Mostly, they're just embarrassing. And holy shit balls we're on a roll.

If you doubt our contribution to political jackassery, look no further than CPAC, the Conservative Political Action Conference. Reince Priebus, Scott Walker, Paul Ryan: all from Wisconsin, and all "rising stars of the conservative movement." And then there's the Tea Party's favorite Wisconsin son, Ron Johnson. Favorite son because he inherited their legacy: inexperienced, uninformed, uncompromising, but hooray for opinions out the ass!


Scott Walker. His name is far too close to Scout Walker, as in Imperial Scout Walker, to be a coincidence. This photo I took during the Madison, WI protests, says it best.


He convinced a lot of people in my state that teachers are freeloaders, that they have it way too good, with their Cadillac 10-12 hour days and their Cadillac 150 students each and their Cadi-lack of supplies (see what I did there?) and of course their crazy Cadillac paydays which they use to pimp and bling out their numerous Cadillacs.

He's a hot prospect in the Republican party and will possibly run for president in 2016. How can this man be an effective president? Many of his friends are going to prison for an illegal campaign system run under his watch, just a few feet from his desk, and he knew "nothing" about it? Either he's lying and corrupt, or he's telling the truth and incompetent.


Former vice presidential candidate, Paul Ryan, was once the shiny savior of the GOP. But now that image is slowly beginning to tarnish, the sexy P90X veneer being stripped away, and that red backwards cap tossed back into the Walgreens $1 hat bin where his wife would rather have it.

Chairman of the House Budget Committee, Ryan has the reputation for being a numbers man, which is the reason he was tapped to author a budget. And yet, his budget is largely seen as kryptonite to congressmen and congresswomen everywhere. As it should be.

But I'll give this to Ryan: he really IS a numbers man!

  • He voted for both Bush tax cuts which cost $3,000,000,000,000.
  • He voted for the $700,000,000,000 bank bail out.
  • He voted for the $431,000,000,000 TARP.
  • He voted for the $85,000,000,000 auto industry bail out.
  • He voted for the $1,400,000,000,000 Iraq and Afghanistan wars. (Which doesn't include interest, nor does it include the cost of soldier pay or veteran medical costs as a result of the war, but I'm sure he'll just vote against those and then do that "my hands are clean" gesture!)

See, look at all those numbers!

Granted, I don't disagree with all those votes. But you should if you want to "avoid spending money you don't have," says Paul Ryan every damn day, behind a podium, waving a book that says "The Ryan Budget" or "Real Change" or "Our Children," surrounded by congressional colleagues nodding and smiling like idiots.


Let's not forget (even though we'd all love to) the Tea Party's favorite spoiled son, Ron Johnson, maybe the most unqualified U.S. Senator in the union. Ron Johnson's own life doesn't jibe with Ron Johnson's viewpoints. He loves to push the "pulling yourself up from your boot straps" philosophy. And so how lovely that he successfully married a woman whose family was so very successful.

Johnson once said:

Let me describe what we're up against as conservatives, as patriots, as people who like freedom, as people who like this country. We are up against a strategy that is taking place by liberals, progressives, Democrats, whatever they call themselves nowadays, Socialists, Marxists.

Is that even a complete, logical thought? The answer you're looking for is "No." Or as Ron Johnson would say, "Me Senator Cheese Lakes!"

He is a harsh critic of climate change, claiming that climate change is simply "sunspot activity or just something in the geologic eons of time." Forget what you've heard from every qualified scientist on the planet! Earth, like Ron Johnson's skull, has just gotten a little too much sun.

When Walmart declined an invitation to the White House to discuss gun control, Ron Johnson defended the corporation saying they're too busy "trying to grow the economy."

How, by putting smaller businesses out of business? Oh, I forgot you, Ron Johnson, never started a business. You worked your way up to become very successful at marrying into successful families. Your wife's family gave you boots and now you're struttin' around like you made 'em yourself, straps hanging out for all to see.


And then there is RNC Chairman Reince Priebus. You're not serious, are you? This man is such a transparent dick his parents gave him an androgynous sounding name because at the time they just weren't sure. If you squint your eyes, his name almost looks like penis. At least with Michael Steele, they could make a puppet version. They can't make a Priebus puppet, because what puppeteer wants to stick their hand up a giant penis and balls?

  • Priebus hangs out with his buddies at bars, until it's his turn to buy a round, at which time he mysteriously disappears.
  • He doesn't wave people on at a four-way stop, even if he got there last. He just goes.
  • He orders his food with everything and then picks it all off.
  • He takes part in group projects, does nothing, and takes credit.
  • He parks in handicapped spots or takes up two parking spaces because he loves his car more than he loves people.
  • At the end of Old Yeller... he laughs.

You get the idea.

No one thinks this guy is an asset to the party. If I were running the Republican party, I would make the RNC a headless, ruled-by-the-people, dare I say democratic organization. When was the last time an RNC Chairman wasn't kind of a boob? Maybe that's why they went in a different direction this time, with a dick.


I'm not saying these men are evil people. Maybe if I got to know them one-on-one they'd be perfectly nice guys, guys I'd want to grab a beer with (except for Priebus). But the hypocrisy, the ignorantly uncompromising stances, the outright worshiping of the Tea Party at the expense of logic and reason? It's just not Wisconsin. Given Wisconsin's rich history of Progressivism, it's frankly embarrassing.

Listen, every state has a loud drunken uncle political figure from time to time. The one that shows up to family parties, drinks everyone's beer while complaining about welfare, and asks your dark-skinned girlfriend if she's an A-rab. But four from Wisconsin alone, pants off, hitting on cousins, watching Skinamax while the rest of us are at the table saying grace?

Sorry, America.

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