08/28/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Alaska's Moose-Shootin' Quitter-in-Chief Waves Goodbye. People with Brains Everywhere Rejoice

Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin bid a fiery farewell Sunday amid a legion of supporters, thus ending The Fairbanks Follies, the most bizarre chapter in U.S. political history. Where she goes from here is anyone's guess. But if the conspicuous absence of coverage in Monday's New York Times and Wall Street Journal is any indication, no one really cares.

In her semi-angry, condescending 15-minute speech, the self-proclaimed maverick pulled no punches with her detractors. Of the media she said:

You represent what could and should be a respected, honest profession that could and should be a cornerstone of our democracy. Democracy depends on you, and that is why, that's why our troops are willing to die for you. So how about in honor of the American soldier, you quit makin' things up.


Yer darn tootin' right there, Sarah! You betchya, girl! But if only that were true. Please tell us exactly what the press made up about you, because the way I see it, your reputation for being a vacuous, uninformed, un-curious, un-read, inarticulate political lightweight is 100 percent factual.

She continued bashing the press:

One other thing for the media, our new governor has a very nice family, too, so leave his kids alone.

Well if the new governor shamelessly parades his "very nice family" around like political props they way you did with yours, they'll be up for grabs too.

And as for those amoral show-biz folk:

By the way, Hollywood needs to know, we eat, therefore we hunt!

Yeah, Hollywood, take coke-sniffin', fake-boobin', blasphemous anorexics! (By the way, I was 'huntin' for a nice skirt steak at Gristede's the other day. Does that make me a 'real American' or a Hollywood sleazeball?)

To say Palin is an unpredictable enigma is not enough. She's a walking contradiction. An uber-hypocrite who rails against "government bailouts" but as governor gave every Alaskan $1200 in "energy relief." Kinda hard to paint yourself as a role-model for small-government when your populist moves result in a $741-million handout. That's why Alaskans loved her, temporarily. Her approval rating was a whopping 93 percent two years ago but has since dwindled to the mid 50's this month. She exits office with a bloated budget, sagging oil revenues, rising unemployment and personal popularity that's hemorrhaging. She can blame Hollywood, the media, Democrats, President Obama, the Bogeyman and whoever else she wants. But she personifies Harry Truman's famous adage, "If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen." She's a quitter. And nobody likes a quitter. Especially sitting in the Oval Office.

While she and the kool-aid drunken, MILF-lovin' Republicans who adore her delude themselves into thinking she's our next president, the rest of us sane Americans know there's not a shot in hell she'd ever make it beyond a GOP nomination, and even that's being generous. She's an empty Versace suit. Style over substance. All smoke and mirrors. And the mirror's gonna get foggier and foggier with each passing day that Palin hits the national stage and opens her mouth. Let's not forget how her woeful inadequacy, cheesy folksiness and obnoxious colloquialisms already derailed one presidential campaign. Now with the word quitter added to her existing unimpressive resume, she's got as much chance of becoming president as I do. I might actually have a better shot...