THE BLOG

My Conversation With Jesus

08/08/2011 10:02 am ET | Updated Oct 08, 2011

In the wake of Texas Gov. Rick Perry's God-apalooza gathering on Saturday down in Houston, Jesus Christ himself actually came to me in one of those mystical moments of spiritual revelation, sharing his principles and extremely passionate views about humanity and the state of religion today. So many times we hear how Jesus talks directly to people like George Bush, Sarah Palin, Michele and Marcus Bachmann and Gov. Perry... so I feel terribly grateful and blessed to have had this incredible experience of God talking to me. Here's an excerpt from our conversion:

Me: Mr. Christ, or can I call you Jesus?... I gotta ask you this question before anything else. Is it true that you're a Republican?

Jesus: What!? Where did you get that ridiculous notion from, my dear Jewish atheist child. Have you not actually read my book, I mean the Bible?

Me: Well, it's just that Republicans are constantly hiding behind the cloak of religion as if somehow they have you on their side. They constantly equate faith with judgement, intolerance and even bigotry. They proudly claim that to be God-fearing you must be against everything that helps the poor, the sick, the elderly, the needy, and minorities. Is that what you taught them?

Jesus: No, in fact, just the opposite. I fought for justice. You can't just put money in a tin at church on Sundays and think you're doing God's work. Sure, you can feed the poor, but if you're not fighting to better their existence on a systemic level then you are not in line with my teachings.

Me: Jesus, what are you talking about?!

Jesus: It's simple. I am a manifestation of the the most disenfranchised human beings. I am black. I am homosexual. I'm a paraplegic. I am a woman. I'm an old, sick man. I belong to the meek. Remember them? Remember what I said? I didn't say "the rich and the corporations shall inherit the Earth," did I? What is mankind doing today to truly help those in need? Or do the rich simply want to get richer while the poor suffer? Remember Luke 14:13 & 14...But when you give a feast, invite the poor, the maimed, the lame, the blind, and you will be blessed, because they cannot repay you. You will be repaid at the resurrection of the just. And Luke 12:15...Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; a man's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions. Or how about this..how about Deuteronomy 15:7 & 11...If there is a poor man among your brothers in any of the towns of the land that the LORD your God is giving you, do not be hardhearted or tightfisted toward your poor brother. There will always be poor people in the land. Therefore I command you to be openhanded toward your brothers and toward the poor and needy in your land. Do you see what I'm sayin' here? For Pete's Sake, does this sound like the teaching of a Republican? I'm a liberal! There, I've said it! Look at my sandals, my hair...duh!

Me: What about Rick Perry's 'prayer rally' in Texas on Saturday? He was talking to you. Told you "you are our only hope." Were you listening to him? Did you say anything back?

Jesus: First off, let me say neither I or anyone in my family was at that event. That's not my kind of prayer rally. As for me being the only hope, that's quite sad. Perhaps Mr. Perry would be better served to look in the mirror and judge his own narrow-minded, divisive behavior. How he and his conservative brethren prey on the weak, the meek, the needy. Remember Proverbs 14:31...He who oppresses the poor shows contempt for their Maker, but whoever is kind to the needy honors God. Ok, gotta run...I have a bris in Great Neck I have to get to...

Me: Thank you Jesus, thank you for setting the record straight on a few things.