10/16/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

The Dick Cheney Interview We'd Love to See

Former Vice President Dick Cheney settles into his Wyoming living room for an interview with Fox News' Chris Wallace. Cheney looks frustrated, irritated and impatient, yet still possesses the aura of the uber-confident terror-fighting SuperHero so few people truly understand and appreciate:

Wallace: It's been eight years since we were attacked on Sept 11th by al Qaeda. Mr. Vice President, is America safe?

Cheney: Is Nancy Pelosi's voice grating and shrill? C'mon, Wallace, you must've been one helluva softball pitcher as a kid. What kind of dumb question is that? Of course we're safe? Notice any attacks lately?

Wallace: No. But it took eight years between the first World Trade Center attacks and the 9-11 attacks. Doesn't it worry you that Al Qaeda is a methodical planner and could just been gearing up for the next wave of terror?

Cheney: No, under the Bush administration we employed the finest, most highly-trained operatives to locate, infiltrate, and destroy countless al Qaeda cells. We killed their leaders. We wiped 'em out, baby. Mission accomplished. And we did it by being tough on these bastards.

Wallace: Yes, but, you have come under extreme fire lately now that we have a better understanding of the interrogation tactics -- which many believe to be cruel and illegal -- which the administration secretly and without Congressional approval authorized the CIA to use on HVT's, or High-Value Targets. There's some pretty awful stuff that took place, no?

Cheney: What are you, a pussy Wallace? What specifically do you have a problem with?

Wallace: Well, threatening to drill holes into prisoners' heads with power-drills...I mean, Mr. Vice President, that does seem pretty harsh and inhumane according to American standards.

Cheney: Oh my God, you are a pussy. (angrily) Lynne, get me my Black & Decker...I'm gonna show this little weasel what.....

Wallace: Wait, wait, wait....Mr. Vice President, that's ok, I get it. You're saying we did what we had to do to keep the country safe. At all costs. We had no choice.

Cheney: Now you're seeing things the right way, Mike.

Wallace: Chris.

Cheney: What?

Wallace: Chris. Chris Wallace. Mike's my dad.

Cheney: (angrily motions to his assistant) This ain't Mike Wallace? Who the fuck is this guy? I thought I was talking to Mike Wallace. I should shoot you in the fucking face over this. (turns back to Wallace)You have any more questions, kid?

Wallace: Yes, if we may proceed with the interview....

Cheney: Fire away, Junior.

Wallace: Mr. Vice President, you've been very vocal these past 8 months in harshly criticizing President Obama and his administration's national security policies. You accuse him now of using the Justice Department for political purposes over the CIA scandal, and that it's making America less safe as a result. Your critics charge that (a) no administration in history has used the various levers of government for their own political gain more than the Bush administration, and that (b) your comments are nothing more than a self-aggrandizing attempt to redeem yourself for failing to protect us on 9-11, for getting us into an unjust war in Iraq, and for violating international law, the Geneva Conventions, the U.S. Constitution and America's own rule of law. In short, Mr. Vice President, that it's all a desperate PR campaign to excuse and justify committing various war crimes. Your response?

Cheney: That's it, get me my shotgun! I'm shooting this fucker in the face! Come here you little bastard..I'm gonna....

Wallace: (running for his life) Hey, wait, Mr. Vice President, stop that! I'm...outta...hereeeeeeeeeee......