05/21/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Twitter Dumb and Twitter Dee

If I hear the word 'Twitter' one more time I think I'm going to go virtual postal. Same goes for Tweet, Tweeted, Twittering and Tweeter.

A few weeks ago I wrote about how much I hate Facebook, that colossal online abyss of narcissism and inanity. Well, I think Twitter--the micro-blog of 140-character vacuousness--annoys me even more.

Full disclosure: I am neither a 'Twit' (my name for Twitterers ) nor have I ever been on the ubiquitous site. And I don't need to be. I am simply sick and tired of how it's invaded the American lexicon, and culture, like all of these other internet sinkholes that continue to shut people off from each other while claiming to be "social networking" sites. Pretty soon moms will be tweeting their kids to come pick up their dinner plates so they can head back to their laptops for more of this incredible "socializing."

More disclosure: I'm on Facebook, where I've been known to be quite a shameless promoter of the various business dealings I'm involved with, which include those of a charitable nature. I believe sites like Facebook and Twitter do offer great business networking value. But unfortunately, it's become far less a business tool than a tool for extending one's Warholish 15 minutes to insufferable levels.

Last week we saw the inanity reach epidemic proportions with the self-described "Twitter Feud" between the actor Ashton Kutcher and cable news giant CNN over who could pile up 1-million Twits quicker (Kutcher won). This utter non-story quickly sucked up lots of valuable media time, with Larry King devoting almost his entire hour to it Friday night.

Does anyone really care how many Twits Kutcher has...besides of course, Kutcher himself and his loyal Twits? Is this really news? It's a sad commentary when, with two wars, terrorism and a devastating recession, Facebook and Twitter is where young people's passions get channeled and focused. It's unsettling how today's youth is so desensitized, disaffected and self-consumed. And it's not just kids who are addicted to this too-cool communication form. Hearing some age-loathing 50-year-old describe his Twittering is about as painful as listening to him gush about the latest Death Cab for Cutie concert.

Kutcher, whose Twitname is @aplusk (the kid's clever, huh?), was joined on King's program by rap and fashion mogul P. Puffy Daddy Diddy, or whatever he calls himself these days. The Puffster, when asked by King ( there anything more embarrasing than Larry King describing his own hipster Twitting?) why he Tweets, His Diddyness lamented that, "People know me for the persona of the Hamptons, bling, who I'm dating, and there's more substance to me than that." Twitter, he said, allows him to cut out "the middleman;" the media, which he blames for his self-admittedly shallow public persona. So let's get this straight. He's not shallow because he's a jewelry-heavy, model-datin', Hamptons-hangin' bad boy; he's shallow because the press covers it all. Yup, this sure sounds like a problem that non-stop Twittering can fix. And I'm sure his 600,000 followers will eagerly soak up all his words of wisdiddydom. Actually, in fact, I just realized there is something more embarrassing than King talking about his Twittering: Diddy whining about how nobody understands him.

And then there's Mr. One-Million himself. "At the end of the day we all have ego," said Kutcher, the self-proclaimed Twit "Jester" in a ginormous "duh" revelation. In explaining that everyone has their own "Twitter DNA" (huh?), he defines Twitter as "an ego stream," and then modestly declares that it'll be a good thing if people like him can use Twitter to "change the world." Can you say, self-important? This coming from a guy who's biggest claim to fame is Punking his celebrity pals and having stepkids almost as old as he is (ok, I exaggerate, but I have comedic license). I'm just not exactly sure that we've seen any "world-changing" initiatives coming out of Kutcher or anyone else on Twitter. But we sure as hell have seen a lot of that ego he talks about.

Ok, I'm done ranting. I'm gonna go scr@tch my ass now. Hey, maybe I should Tweet that.