My children's presence in my life is present enough on Mother's Day. If they toss in bringing me an onion bagel and coffee in bed that morning, it will be nothing short of a glorious day. But since my kids will likely want to surprise me (beyond remembering the whipped cream cheese and lox), I do want to pre-empt a few things that probably shouldn't be on anyone's Mother's Day gift list anyway:
Yes, Hologram Tupac was a big hit at Coachella, but I think Hologram Mommy isn't quite ready for primetime. For those who don't get out much, rapper Tupac Shakur has been dead for 15 years, yet he appeared lifelike on the Coachella music festival stage with Snoop Dogg and Dr. Dre in the closing act in April. The threesome was rumored to be going on tour, an idea that likely would open the cash register drawer to other holograms. Hologram Mommy is bound to follow, don't you think?
While sharing my opinions with my children from beyond the grave a la Tupac is not without its appeal, sometimes mothers and rappers just need to stay silent.
Bringing "home" Mitt Romney's dog
The outrage in our pet-loving home continues to run high over the dog-on-the-car-roof story. It seems that no matter how you look it at it, the dog loses and you kind of hope Mitt does too. Never mind that Seamus, the Romneys' Irish setter whose crate was strapped atop the car on a family vacation, has long passed: my kids still want to save him -- or at least save other dogs in his memory.
So what's my worry here? Somewhere out there is an Irish setter in an animal shelter or rescue group named Seamus -- I fear my kids will find him and gift him to me. Petfinder.com can be a dangerous accomplice in their hands. Readers, please do me a favor: Beat them to it and adopt him yourself. Do it for Seamus. Do it for me. It's possibly one of the best Mother's Day gifts you can give (me).
Membership in World of Warcraft
I know that boomers are flocking by the millions to the online gaming world. I've heard -- heck, I've written -- that it's great fun, inexpensive and you don't have to drive at night to get there.
Personally, I can't think of a greater waste of time, money or a still-functioning brain. People spend $15 a month or more to play games online with strangers. Why aren't they reading books, volunteering their time at the local school or hospital, visiting a shut-in or serving food at the homeless shelter? If they donated half the time they spend at the computer to their community library, maybe so many libraries wouldn't be closing.
I'm sorry, but I really don't get how playing a computer game enriches your life. Why not find people to do that for you? You know, people like your kids?
OK, what else don't I want for a Mother's Day gift?
I know a certain guy who has been eyeing Italian cigar cutters. Just what every mother needs, you say? Don't get Mom something that you really want for yourself and are hoping she lets you borrow. This includes the aforementioned Italian cigar cutter that costs $447.00. And it also includes the armful of bangles your pre-teen is keeping safe for you on her arm and the iPhone App that my son likes to play with.
A snake is not a gift. Neither is a hamster that escapes, a rabbit that reproduces or a fish that is dead before you get it home.
No cute aprons -- no matter how cute. No new vacuums, unless they come with someone to push them. And no new toasters, even if they toast Hello Kitty's image on my bread.
While I do enjoy the occasional pedicure (who doesn't?) I don't want a temporary solution to my post 50 foot pain. I'd prefer cute sandals like these for people with bunions and sore feet. For $89.95, they promise to improve my knees, heel, back and neck pains. This part made me swoon: The sandals' "biomechanical Tri-planar Motion Control footbed has a deep heel cup that stabilizes, supports and naturally realigns the feet." This is plain old dirty talk for those of us who are limping into aging.
Do I really need a this porcelain flower for almost $1,000? Only if you come for dinner every Sunday to dust it. Then again, perhaps not having to water my flowers is worth a grand. A mom photo water globe for $40? Only if it has my kids' picture in it -- a picture of them bringing me my onion bagel in bed on Mother's Day.
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