Parenting As Competitive Sport

If April is the cruelest month, March has to be the strangest. At least, this March: What a strange few weeks it's been. Silda Spitzer stands by Eliot; Gilligan's Mary Ann is a stoner.

Then, last night, as I was watching my daughter thumb through a new catalog from a local toy store, I noticed small icons at the bottom of each product description. It turns out that they are "ExpressCodes," ratings that indicate "how the product can assist in reaching your child's developmental milestones."

Yeah, seriously: A basketball, for example, is called out for propelling a kid toward the milestone of Eye/Hand Coordination ("hands manipulating objects, things fitting together, coordination") and Gross Motor ("physical play, running, throwing, jumping"). A set of plastic dinosaurs promote Eye/Hand along with Fine Motor ("grasping, manipulating, writing, drawing"), Socialization ("cooperative play, making friends, sharing"), and Creative Expression ("imaginative play, artistic ability").

Are codes in a toy catalog a big deal? No, in the grand scheme of life, they're barely a blip. But they feed into a whole competitive parenting groundswell of doing the right things for kids at the right time, else they be marginalized for life. March is, after all, also the time when parents typically white-knuckle getting their kids into the right school -- from preschool on up. I'm not sure whether marketers need to lighten up on parents, or parents need to lighten up on themselves. But either way, someone has to lighten up on childhood.

As Caroline flipped through the pages last night, both of us couldn't help but smirk a little at the idea of a kite or a jump rope being anything other than... well, toys.

Don't get me wrong. I like the ethics of the local store franchise owner, who explained to my daughter a few months ago that he took Webkinz charms off his store's shelves because their maker couldn't ascertain whether they were lead-free. And I like the toys he sells.

But the idea of categorizing toys into buckets for "developmental milestones" irks me. On the surface, it's the sort of inane thing that ridiculously assigns the "Make Up Star Station" three icons (Fine Motor, Visual Perception, Eye/Hand Coordination) or spawns other silly products ("ATTENTION, COMPETITIVE PARENTS," riffs Dave Barry, "No point in letting your teenager waste several minutes a day showering; turn bathroom time into study time today!")

But at its core, it's a notion that every childhood joy is an opportunity to groom children for success. Toys that were once just kites and balls and dress-up games are now freighted with a whole nuther imperative. It's a lot of pressure on parents to provide the "right" toy. Ultimately, it places a lot of pressure on kids, too.

When my oldest son was four months old, I remember feeling bested by another mother I met waiting at the pediatrician's office with her one-year-old. She cooed in a perfunctory manner at Evan's doe eyes peering up at her from beneath his blanket, then said, "Well, he sure is tiny! My son has been in the 90th percentile for height and weight since he was that age!")

Later, when I relayed this story to a friend who'd already had four kids of her own, she laughed in a tone that sounded like a bark.

"Ha!" she said. "So now you know: Parenting is a competitive sport."

Ann Handley also writes at her personal blog, A n n a r c h y.

Comments

[Kendrick]

Ann,
Where might we find/see the catalog with the child development icons you reference in this article?

[magen]

Why do American parents need to be TOLD that a basketball increases hand eye coordination?

[jeskiley]

I guess you could interpret it as trying to mold kids into "the best". With the uncontained rise in autism, and various other developmental disorders, parents truly are seeking out "devices" to practice or reinforce basics like hand-eye coordination, fine and gross motor skills. I don't discount that some parents are competitive, and least in New York, but the sad news is that a growing number of parents are just trying to get their children up to par.

[Chrisallalone]

Yes -- at first I thought this was going to be about the developmental guide that's issued by Toys 'R' Us (at any rate it used to be -- I assume it still is). That was the first place I saw codes like this, but that catalog was specifically targeted to kids with developmental disorders. I have to admit looking it over, as I was always looking for new ways to give my kids practice in the areas of their delays.

But it's sad if that idea has been generalized to the whole population. I agree that parents spend far too much time trying to best each other through their kids. If only they got to spend time with a child who's not developmentally typical, they might appreciate the most magical thing about typical kids -- that they grow up just fine through normal play and interaction, without the fancy tools and the be-the-best attitude imposed by their parents.

[Zil]

Before I changed careers I had a serious problem with competitive parenting. I was such an over achiever in my career that naturally I carried that over to parenting. But alas, it was all just a front for my own parenting insecurity. I would have killed for those toy codes you refer to in your post! A guide for the perfect play for the perfect child to help me be the perfect parent ... OMG!
Thank God I walked away from that "high power successful" career. I took 2 years to decompress and another 2 years to find my new path. Along the way I learned to lighten up (like you suggest,) let my kid be a kid and let life happen. So now that I don't need the developmental codes for my child's toys, I can join you in being disturbed by them. However, that said, I can also be honest enough to completely and totally understand them.