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'Bethenny Ever After' Recap: A Boating Situation

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Hear ye, hear ye! The time we've all been waiting for has arrived. Bethenny Frankel is about to set sail on the "team building" trip we haven't been able to forget since October of last year. Rumors that our dear Queen B was telling quite the tall tales about being "Lost at Sea" spread like wildfire and tonight, we get the truth (or at least the truth Bravo wants us to know). B took to her blog to reveal that "this voyage was anything but smooth sailing" -- and that's precisely the type of adventure a reality series pays hopes for.

So, we're right where we left off: Parking lot drama ensues inside the V.I.P. helicopter cove until Hoppy finally agrees to go on the trip. (Like he really has much of a choice.)

Well, no beating around the boom, it's time to put the visors on and really get this nightmare started.

"Can't Get Enough of You" Bethenny
  • Making friends with the other couple on the "team building" boat. Because setting sail for 10+ hours with their fate in Dr. Armadillo's hands can lead anyone to an unfriendly place. (B's apparently not there yet.)
  • Showing sincere concern for Hoppy when he has signs of seasickness. Plus major points for offering to cook and not complaining about it.
  • Asking Dr. Armadillo to take a trip down to the below-deck bedroom so that Hoppy doesn't have to move during a little couple's therapy.
  • Remaining completely calm when Dr. A. says the boat's GPS is broken. A pleasant (and shocking) surprise, for sure.
  • Continuing to stay calm when Dr. A. reassures that they do, indeed, have life jackets if all fails. (Not cool, Armadillo, not cool). Although it's not quite clear if B's just gone off the deep end, she does make a "Are you sh*tting your pants" comment while ferociously patting her face with a napkin. So, while the humor is welcome, her sanity is uncertain at this point.
  • Cracking jokes when Dr. A. walks in on her in the miniature bathroom. Here's to securing a free trip, at the very least.
  • 15 hours at sea and everyone is quiet, no yelling at all. Maybe all B needs is a few rocky hours to keep her temper in check. Literally.
  • Revealing that Hoppy can expect sex when they finally reach their destination. Maybe a little TMI, but it seems like a step in the right direction.
  • Kissing the dock when reaching shore. Example of when it's OKAY to be dramatic.
  • Giving Bryn a big bear hug when finally safe and sound.
  • Comparing the boat trip from Hell to Mardi Gras. Only B's Mardi Gras experience would translate to "murder," as she so delicately puts it.
  • Looking at the beneficial side of their trip, and the fact that she and Hoppy concentrated on their bigger issues, instead of daily bickering.

Total: 12

"Run for Your Life" Bethenny
  • Exclaiming, "This is Hell," oh so joyously at minute 1. She continues, "I just want to close my eyes and this be over." She must know that this was her decision, right? No? Anyone?
  • Stepping aboard the "Maria Cristina" and already complaining about the possibility of a cool breeze. Not like she's on a boat or anything, where cool breezes occur while docked, but whatever.
  • Rolling her eyes when Hoppy asks her to look out for buoys on the way further out to sea. And then lounging in the front of the boat, as if she's expecting a handsome waiter to walk over with a crushed Skinnygirl margarita on bended knee. Probably not going to happen.
  • Attempting to listen to the other couple's relationship issues, but physically cannot control herself from chiming in with her own problems and making it the B show. Okay, so it is the B show, but at least make it seem a little more believable that the other couple on the boat aren't just actors.
  • Venting about how her "comfort" zone is being threatened, during couple's therapy, while Hoppy lays there silently unable to move and on the verge projectile vomiting. Clearly, the time to talk about marital issues works best while nauseous. The bumpy footage alone is making it hard to watch this hour-long episode.
  • Admitting that she's not fully ready to let Hoppy "in" 100 percent. While I'm sure the honesty is much appreciated, the frustration he feels is wholly valid considering they are married, and have a child together. Or is that the norm?
  • Fuming over the fact that the other woman on the boat was able to sleep through the fiasco that took place throughout the night. So much so that if it weren't for Dr. A. overseeing the one-sided catfight, I'm pretty sure B would have relentlessly thrown Ms. nice wife off the edge.

Total: 7

"Can't Get Enough of You" Bethenny kept her composure on the boat ride of misery, with 5 points ultimately ahead of her "Run for Your Life" counterpart. While she didn't appear to be in a true life-threatening situation, I commend B for not lighting Dr. A on fire and making S'mores off his burning corpse when he revealed they had no sense of direction or time. As for the "was it all fake?" aspect: Unless B has become a better actress than her days on "Real Housewives of New York City" I think it's safe to say it was not for show. No female wants a close-up of her green-faced, uncombed head simply for good ratings. Ultimately, B and Hoppy bonded in a way they hardly do when Julie, Bryn and Co. are in the picture. In fact, it looks as though the cobwebs have already begun to clear ...