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'Bethenny Ever After' Recap: Another Boating Situation

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Last week, Bethenny and her loving Hoppy headed to Cabo for some Jose Cuervo SkinnyGirl margs and colorful beach sarongs. It was slightly more relaxing than a train ride when the half-naked homeless man doesn't sit next you, which says a lot for the neurotic duo. With B's assistants hanging around, there were no real tragedies -- in fact, there were even tears OF JOY when Bethenny opened her birthday gifts. Miracles all around! But never fear, that was just part one of their Mexican vacay. We're now embarking on the second act, and dear friends, it's about to get bumpy.

"Can't Get Enough of You" Bethenny
- Back at the One & Only Palmilla, our Queen is giving us a lesson in "Haggling 101." Just so we're all on the same page: Bloomingdales = a big no-no. Beach / Street hustling = without question. Even though she doled out $30 a scarf, she admitted it felt "sarong but so right."
- Stooping to hilarious new lows in an attempt to mend their broken marriage by going to drum therapy. As in the instrument. "It was between that and the kill your spouse on the pool deck activity," B cheerfully said. I commend her choice.
- Embracing the music therapy by picking up various shaped maracas and imagining them as every X-rated body part under the sun. I suppose any therapy helps.
- "Ra Ra" has a moment when they're all leaving a Cabo chapel because she misses her family. Not quite sure how to respond at first, B says, "We are your New York family," which ultimately comforts "Ra Ra." The motherly spirit does exist in B, and now we have video proof. Meanwhile, it's too emotional for Hoppy and he goes dashing back to Julie where he's probably burying his head into her shoulder, sobbing and begging her not to leave him.
- Asking "Ra Ra" if she would be the mother to Bryn if anything were to ever happen to her or Hoppy, like if they overdosed on SkinnyGirl mix and went at each other with Cookie's toys.
- Spotting the same beach vendor who she not at all inappropriately named "Hermano" and bargaining the price of several bracelets made from what appears to be bottle caps and aluminum foil. "$300 is my final offer" ... and that's the opposite of how it's done.
- Applauding Julie for going after what she wants and leaving the sweatshop assistant job for good. God knows she's put up with enough.

Total: 7

"Run for Your Life" Bethenny
- Standing in a chapel when Hoppy brings up the idea of possibly renewing their vows. B shouts out how preposterous the idea is considering how short a time they've been married. This is about the time Hoppy realizes she has no clue when their anniversary is. Annnnd they seal the thought with an empty kiss.
- On the verge of killing an animal with her bare hands and eating it live when Cabo's culinary festival meal is taking far too long. She loses interest so quickly, so she begins messing with a clearly unstable woman who joined the party late. "Of course I'm Marianne," B says. A few minutes later, she can't hold the lie and comes clean. If this is the kind of role-playing she and Hoppy are doing, things are worse than I thought.
- Mixing drinks under fireworks with the whole gang and toasting to their mini vacation, until Hoppy breaks the news that they're all being evicted from their apartment in 30 days. B flies up, readjusts her bra, and the gloves are off. "I can't!"
- Heading on another boat tour. This time, it only lasts 45 minutes (not the 21-hour excursion Dr. A so carefully planned). Problem #1: Not everyone can fit in one boat. Problem #2: Water already looks rough. Panic ensues.
- A touch of seawater wafts through the air and onto B's flat-ironed hair and that's enough to get her demanding the sea line ASAP. Meanwhile, in another boat, Hoppy is envisioning the quesadilla in his stomach coming out in mere moments, and Maggie the intern is so seasick she's just about ready to end her life. Luckily for B's bank account, she didn't. Instead, the shy intern makes her way back to the sand just long enough before potentially quitting her job. Run far away, Maggie, and never return.
- At dinner, Hoppy tries to talk to B about how he's frustrated with his career because he hasn't found "the one thing" he loves that would make a Monday enjoyable. Instead of letting him vent, B's back on the storyline of when she wasn't able to pay her rent. We've been hearing this since "RHONY" days, let's let Hoppy share his sob story now, K?
- Letting her husband know that he's starting to resent her a little bit -- oh and that he's probably just threatened. Way to highlight the gender roles. If that's not a surefire way to get the sparks flying again, I truly know nothing at all.
- B sits by herself, pouting, while Hoppy checks out his behind in the One & Only Palmilla bathroom mirror. Once he returns to the "disaster," the pleasant couple sits in silence, until alcohol brings them together in a much-needed tequila sip. "It's not money or infidelity, we just can't stand each other." Toasts all around!

Total: 8

It was nearly a tie, but Bethenny's "Run for Your Life" side came out on top this week. Not only did her intern Maggie call it quits after the second boat ride from hell of the season, but a romantic dinner for the happy couple quickly turned into a competition of who once lived a worse lifestyle. On the bright side, if B and Hoppy end up killing each other, the loving "Ra Ra" has agreed to take on the role of mommy. And money would never be an issue considering she and Bryn would be able to live off selling the thousands of sarongs B purchased from her beach vendor pal, Hermano. The good and bad all rolled together like one big bipolar mess -- and I for one cannot wait for more. Till next week!