Bethenny did the unthinkable last week: She went on another boat ride. Only this time, she brought Bryn along to face the sh-tstorm that we all knew was coming. One wave's gentle crash brought B into a hysteria so strong she could have evoked a tsunami. Of course, the crew had no choice but to abruptly turn around and head back to the shoreline.
But that wasn't the only highlight of the episode. B gave "Ra Ra" the gift of motherhood ... well, in the sense that she'll get Bryn if Bethenny's swallowed up whole by the depths of hell. B also shared a painfully-brutal-to-watch chat with Hoppy during dinner, which ended with him leaving the conversation altogether. All in all it was quite the vacation! While we're leaving Mexico this week (thank the Lord), trouble in N.Y.C. is anxiously awaiting the duo. Talks of Hoppy joining the SkinnyGirl business are upon us, and from what Bravo! has already shared, it doesn't look good. Not good at all.
"Can't Get Enough of You" Bethenny
- Realizing that she can't physically (or emotionally, clearly) handle the business without another set of hands. She genuinely seems to want Hoppy to be 100 percent involved in managing not only her employees, but her, too. An actual admission that she needs someone to help her? Now that's something we certainly don't hear her say ... ever.
- Proposing a toast of vodka with the tile store employees once she picks out the perfect stone. Because what better way to get the juices flowing than some liquid motivation? Luckily for everyone, B can't wait to make a decision before heading to the makeshift bar for some happy juice.
- At a "team meeting" with Julie, Jackie and Hoppy back at the apartment, B begins allocating responsibilities among the bunch. Conducting a touch-base at her Tribeca kitchen table is hands-down impressive, especially considering her ego usually takes up about half of it.
- In desperate need of a "girl's night out," B calls her friend, Jake, and heads to what she describes as "The Star Wars" bar. Practically everyone is dressed in drag, including the tarot card reader (I think) who is trying embarrassingly hard to get her 15 minutes of fame. B throws the gal(?) a bone and lets her pull up a seat for some funny times. Sound advice comes pouring out of miss drag, as she advises B, "You need to trust your instincts to tell you which b-tches is cool, and which b-tches is shady. Nice girls smell like chicken and bad b-tches smell like tuna." Words of wisdom -- we should all be taking note.
- Next up, "balloon man" greets B and Jake with so much chest hair that it's nearly tickling both their cheeks. It's a full-on circus in this drag club, and B loves every dirty second of it. As he sculpts a bondage balloon and rests it atop Jake's head, the two can only smirk and take part in the festivities. High fives all around!
- Saying that Hoppy is doing a great job and that he is a wonderful liaison while exploring the updates in their new apartment. The kind words she has for Hoppy while they sniff up dust balls is enough to make you choke up!
- Smiling ear to ear when she sees that her apartment-sized closet has a window in it. She must know this means I'm officially cutting her off from complaining for the rest of eternity.
"Run for Your Life" Bethenny
- Reading an email from her intern, Maggie, which says that she has taken on a new job and won't be returning to work. Instead of wrapping her head around the fact that Maggie was fully ill on the boat ride fiasco in Cabo, B is in utter denial wondering how miserable Maggie could have possibly been considering she was "invited on vacation to paddleboard." Far from the truth B, so very far.
- Everyone remember Nick the fabulous food blogger who Bethenny previously brought to get his eyebrows threaded? Well he's back! Only this time, she's got him unleashing his SkinnyGirl for a yoga class. He looks like a lost wet puppy stuck in blue tarp as B whispers what the positions mean. "Like a cat, Nick, like a cat!" As he begins to pour sweat, B can only say, "He looked like he was in the movie 'The Saw.' I've never seen that style of yoga; I was scared he was going to have a heart attack." An afternoon catch-up in a pick-n-pay froyo store could have sufficed, no?
- Back with the apartment designers, they describe the neatness in B's current home as a "disaster only in an OCD world." But B can't understand this because some of her scarves aren't folded as neatly as she would like. "I want to be just shy of severe medication with the organization of my life," she proudly says, as she blinks firmly letting the devil seep from her tear ducts.
- Explaining that there's no cost to taming her stress, which is something I often say ... in theory. However, for B, the actual cost is a solid $15,000. As least that's how much she is willing to spend to put up the people who are trying to move into their condo in a hotel. When Hoppy becomes apprehensive about the amount (how dare he!), she quickly gets aggravated and tells him he's not doing a good enough job of getting them into their new apartment faster. "You have to get this done. It's not happening. It has to happen now," she orders like he's answering calls at a Chinese restaurant that's taking way too long to deliver.
- During her "team meeting," she says that Hoppy must choose whether or not he wants to fully be a part of the SkinnyGirl team. He responds earnestly by saying, "I want to work with you, not for you," to which she, err, delicately says, "Ultimately, it is my company. So you are on some level."
- Guess who has finally reappeared! It's Dr. Armadillo! B graciously let her therapist back on the show after scolding him for the boat ride we no longer mention. She opens up about her feelings on bringing Hoppy on the team full-time, which quickly leads to a conversation about the resentment they both likely have for each other. Dr. A makes such a great point about an umbrella or something or other that B says she's giving him a toaster! Good news all around.
- While lounging on the coach with Hoppy back at their apartment, even his chewing is making her uncomfortable. "You're not allowed any more snacks! You don't leave anything for anyone else," she exclaims. While I do understand the importance of food and occasional selfish snacking, this just seems utterly absurd. They've got enough problems to deal with that I'm pretty sure a fight over a bowl of "my favorite chips from GNC" can wait.
For the first time this season, B has come out levelheaded with 7 points on each of her ever-loving sides. Cocktails all around, gang! While her petty fights and bossy behavior did leave a sour taste in my mouth, I think it's safe to say the drag extravaganza brought her up to speed on the sanity playing field. (At least in the scheme of things). The new apartment is underway, even if it is costing the couple an extra measly $10K on top of their normal rent. Heck, if it's keeping B stress-free, which she insists it will, I'd fork up everything.
But don't get too comfortable. The most frightening moment is upon us, I fear: Julie's departure. B doesn't delve into when and where this is happening, but she does hint at it enough to keep me trembling at the breakdown that will inevitably occur. Even I don't know how I'll go on without knowing Julie's out there in the Bravo! world, somehow making it better for everyone. But, I digress. This is another problem for another week, and right now we should all be so lucky that B's pH balance is seemingly perfect. Till next time, friends!