Bethenny Frankel is back with more "Bethenny Ever After," just the way we like her: Bipolar with a touch of friendly sarcasm and a whole lot of fire. But before we can dissect her rapid-fire one-liners and relationship with fairly new hubby Jason Hoppy, let us quickly sum up last season, shall we?
B threw on a pair of dazzling ice skates and a nylon onesie for "Skating with the Stars," Skinnygirl Cocktails blew up faster than Ramona Singer can down a glass of her own signature Pinot Grigio and, of course, there were several meltdowns that made us all feel better about being slightly more sane. (Like B's 40th birthday party that took an ugly turn in the bathroom.)
Yada yada ... B felt "trapped" until the fairy tale ending, which consisted of her very own blinding red and white Skinnygirl RV (with matching outfits to boot), devoted fans around the world, adorable baby girl Bryn, and a whole lot of dough. So, our dear B took a deep breath, inhaled the souls of those around her, and let out a relaxed sigh: "I'm ready to take a deep breath. We got through the storm." But did she?
At any given moment, we're never quite certain which Bethenny we're going to get. Let's see which side took the reins this week:
"Can't Get Enough Of You" Bethenny
- Screaming, "Why are you so crazy? I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere!" to the sea of cameras flashing as she attempts to pose on her very own red carpet. Because I do also wonder what photographers think they'll miss out on in a split second. Damn, he got the real skinny arm pose. That bastard.
- "When I was 40, I made it. I MADE IT." An internal celebration ultimately shared with the world, but in any case, you go, girl!
-Wondering if she should go to "celeb school" and laughing at herself for it, as she should. If she's still wondering, the answer is, "no." If for no reason other than avoiding becoming like January Jones, waving people away from your table and wondering why your face endlessly stays in one pouty expression. Plus, always stuffing her face in front of the camera is endearing. And her "wazoo" isn't so bad either.
- Encouraging Hoppy to get another drink and enjoy the party. Even though we know she means he should continue to pay 100 percent attention to her, it's nice she's trying.
- Explaining what the second year of marriage is really like to those not married or in denial.
- Admitting to wearing extensions, which she describes as something being "stapled" into her head. This could explain everything.
- Asking Hoda Kotb if she's also wearing extensions. Not really appropriate, but also not surprising whatsoever.
- Nick the food blogger is back, and he may have tried to seduce B. And she liked it.
- Publicly saying Hoppy knows more about apartments than she does. Though B's never made it seem like she does, she has the tiniest tendency to believe she can do just about anything better than anyone else.
- Fact that she's the one signing her books, not her assistants, even if her signature is terrifying.
- "I'm running an empire and we don't have a seat for every ass." Good enough reason to want a bigger apartment.
- Squeezing into hot pink stilettos with khaki shorts and a white tank.
- Rushing straight to the buffet at her own photo shoot, right before having to pose in spandex and a sports bra.
- Not disowning her friend, Lisa, for saying she doesn't drink. Not even a Skinnygirl Margarita. Or for calling her out on a wildly racist comment.
- Admitting to selling handbags, and apparently her body (she's kidding!), to afford her previous $2,600 N.Y.C. apartment's rent. We've all been there. Sort of.
- Tearing up over the possibility of a new baby and being honest with Hoppy about hesitating, but wanting to give it a try. Honesty is key -- which B has no shortage of. And especially in light of recent news, we feel for her.
"Run for Your Life" Bethenny
- Demanding Hoppy call about an apartment they desperately need, and then confused about why he picked up his cell phone to make the call. I'm sorry B, but no one uses a landline anymore, except to find their missing cell phone.
- The hands on the head, pulling back skin, veins, so many veins. Shudder.
- Going through a touch base with her assistants seems fairly normal and calm, until we learn it's not much different than being questioned while hooked up to a lethal polygraph machine. With only seconds to answer before detonating.
- Interrogating her assistants about their relationship statuses -- refer to the above.
- "I'm always the bad guy. I'm wrong, I'm wrong, I'm wrong." Otherwise known as a "Loose cannon."
- Admitting that Hoppy's [private region] has cobwebs on it. He does watch this show. And so do his friends.
- Moment B's friend Jake mentions 'organization' her face turns into one of those really horrendous Jack-o-Lanterns on Halloween you're scared to get close to. Even when it's next to one of those "Take 1" candy baskets.
- Pointing out her camel toe, twice, to photographers at her photo shoot.
- "Allowing" Hoppy to help design their new apartment. At least the clothes part.
- Opening up to Dr. Amador about being short of breath when she's with Hoppy. Taking a guess that if she just took breaths between words she wouldn't have this issue.
- (Side note: There's always something strange about filming B's sit-downs with Dr. A., especially since he looks like he's had more Botox than all of the "Real Housewives" combined.)
- "I want to relax and let go a little bit" as she verbally rapes Julie about random thoughts that hop into her mind during her therapeutic yoga break.
- Having a conversation about her friend Lisa's husband's bread basket-sized testicles, and then getting him on the phone to find out the truth. There is no way he knew he was going to be on TV. Foul play.
- Getting a glimpse into B and Hoppy's new dream apartment. Of course, there's one real problem: the "mini" closet. Which doesn't say "Momma you have arrived." Also, approximately triple the size of my entire bedroom.
- Revealing that a boost in her married life sex equals AT MOST three times a week. Which also equals their "vacation sex." And Hoppy loses again.
It's safe to say "Can't Get Enough of You' Bethenny took the cake this week. She kept her neuroses in check and was raunchy enough to win us over week 1. All in all, a solid start to a most promising season. I have hope yet that one of B's sides will take over, leaving the other to fade far away. Which it will be, we'll just have to wait. Till next week, hopefuls!
"Bethenny Ever After" airs Mondays at 9 p.m. EST on Bravo