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'Bethenny Ever After' Recap: A Mouthguard Situation

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To the surprise of Bethenny Frankel fans and skeptics everywhere, last week wasn't a total s---storm like we'd anticipated. Queen B kept her cool on the boat ride from hell, did a little role-playing with Hoppy and Dr. Armadillo (no, not that kind of role playing) and made it safe and sound to her beautiful baby Bryn. But just because the not-so-newlywed couple escaped a potentially rigged catastrophe death, doesn't mean their problems vanished into the Nantucket fog. Oh no, they've only just begun -- and this week it's coming from all angles, including her flesh and blood.
Well go ahead, read on ...

"Can't Get Enough of You" Bethenny
- Taking out her employees for drinks - because not every boss makes the effort.
- Cheerfully saying they were on solid ground when she and Hoppy left the boat, and not acknowledging the pun the producers she thought of.
- Stating the eye-opening realization that "not everything is going to be perfect in a relationship; you have to make it work." Not sure if this is the advice of Dr. Armadillo, Julie or coming straight from B, but I'll buy it!
- Explaining to Hoppy that a "behind grind" while she's sleeping is never wanted -- ever. And she's right.
- Laughing over Hoppy's impression of her in a mouthguard. Even when he's got his head tilted back with drool forming from his lips, she totally digs it. It even turns her on and gets her "stretching" for an impromptu quickie.

Quick pause for a "So True" moment: "All men have a jar of change." Think about it.

- Questioning the purpose of a hanky and rightfully twitching over the fact that men are still putting snot in their jacket pockets. Ew.
- Calling her interior designer her "design mom" because it's nice to see her say the word mom without coming to a boil or bursting into tears. B even, in her own way, says the she aspires to be like the designer one day.
-Fawning over Jack "the show dog" and comparing him to Gisele Bundchen. Not sure Gisele would appreciate the comment, but that dog really perked up.
- Reading a magazine story that quotes her mother saying God-awful things about her and not completely freaking out. Even when it says that she wasn't the original creator of the SkinnyGirl margarita and that B will "always put money before her family."
- Telling her architects that she can't move forward with a house plan until discussing it with Hoppy. Shocking move right there -- the couple's team building must be kicking in.
- Revealing that she saw her mother physically beaten to Dr. Armadillo and being honest about how it made her feel. And not just the feelings you'd expect to hear.
- Roller-skating on her new apartment's wooden floors. We love her fun side, even when she does a cartwheel on her skates, startling her employees.

Total: 12

"Run for Your Life" Bethenny
- Trying to keep a straight face when saying to her employees, "Jason likes therapy, he just won't ... admit it. He thinks he doesn't like it."
- Beginning to realize that her employees may be more insightful than Dr. Armadillo. And she's already paying them, so, perfect for her.
- Calling her dog a stripper and a b-tch. There's the B we know and run from.
- Spending her afternoon spying on her dog and dog walker to find out the real truth about what's been going on at the park. Funny, until B sports her platinum blonde wig circa RHONY rollerblading getup and crouches down on the perimeter of the fence to spy.
- Bickering over whether she and Hoppy would have sex on a romantic vacation to Mexico for her birthday. Why? Because Hoppy can't ask for sex, it's not his birthday -- and that's just rude.
- Admitting that wearing her mouthguard at night pretty much equates to no sex ... at all. I get the importance of caring for your teeth, but really? Every night?
- Going over her apartment design with the organization experts and explaining that she has OCD. And I mean really explaining it. "Everything must go in a container. It needs to fit perfect, look perfect. I have a label that says 'skinny jeans' ..." Run.
- Going through Hoppy's closet with her team and making fun of miscellaneous items. We get that this is a very fun activity, but do it alone, not with perfect strangers. Some decency.
- Calmly saying that her baby could live in a shoebox as long as she has her closet. "That's the only thing I care about." Is she joking? I'm not sure.
- Enrolling herself and her employees in a self-defense class. Although I'm pretty sure this is just so B can get enough fight in her to scare away a granny from a matinee movie.
- Fuming when her architects tell her that the floor plan of her new closet "sucks." Her facial expression is so terrifying; if I didn't know any better, I'd say she's devising a plan to murder each one of them and pour their ashes onto her designer shoes once they're placed neatly in the perfect closet. The perfect closet she will get.
- Delving into the problems of her marriage and her estranged mother with her architects until she finally realizes she's said too much and crawls into a tiny hole for SkinnyGirls and attempts to find her inner Chi.
- Making Hoppy say goodbye to his idea for a "man cave" in their new apartment. Because her design team really thinks it's more suited for a larger closet to accommodate all her shoes ...

Total: 13

It wasn't by much, but "Run for Your Life" triumphed this week with a whopping 13 points. Though she had some comical moments, talking about hankies and coining the phrase "behind grind," Queen B went to loony town when she spied on her dog, admitted that her mouthguard is slowly but surely ruining her sex life, and illuminating the OCD we all know about but never get to see first-hand. Unfortunately, we knew it wouldn't be long before the trauma of Dr. Armadillo's couple's exercises came seeping out of her margarita-laced veins and onto those around her. Till next week, friends.