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'Bethenny Ever After' Recap: An 'Above the Radar' Situation

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Last week, Bethenny Frankel's "Run for your Life" side was in it to win it with intense talks of walk-in closet floor plans, family betrayals and Hoppy's (apparently) signature "Behind Grind." She even sported a platinum blonde wig and movie star sunglasses to spy on Cookie at the dog park. Really. But now onto bigger and brighter things. We get to see Ellen DeGeneres tonight, as she brings Queen B to the stage for some guaranteed belly laughs and deep questioning about the "lost at sea" story. And of course, the infamous Forbes fiasco is coming into play tonight. But enough foreplay, let's jump right in.

"Can't Get Enough of You" Bethenny
- Trying to explain with a mouth full of food that "the row boat guy" from her boating disaster told media outlets that she and Hoppy called 9-1-1 and essentially made up the entire emergency. Props to B for having a casual mid-snack conversation without getting her lawyers on the phone -- at least at this point.
- Explaining the way news spreads on the Internet by saying that if she decided to tell people one day she was having Hugh Grant's baby, it'd be all over the Web. (The gist: She's having Hugh Grant's baby.)
- Showing off her cover story on Forbes magazine because as a "celebrity success story" she's earned it.
- Recognizing that it wasn't until she started making a lot of money that people started caring about ruining her. No one can deny that; even as a "Housewife" of New York she was always Jill Zarin's sidekick.

Quick pause for a "So True" moment: "You want to do it right, you got to do it yourself," says B's driver.

- Admitting to Dr. Armadillo that she's a work-a-holic and reflecting on a time in her thirties when she would lie in her apartment, look at old photos and cry. It's admirable how open she can be on national TV -- that or it's just an evil plan to get more people on her side. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt on this one.
- Getting ready for an appearance on Ellen DeGeneres' show and not at all freaking out about packing. She even calmly gets changed into her "flying on a plane outfit."
- Absolutely dying over the fact that her Tibetan nanny spoke one word to her. Unsure what got the nanny hired, if this is actually the case, but love it regardless.
- Calling Hoppy after he leaves the apartment and apologizing for her less-than-stellar goodbye.
- Getting nervous and giddy over her moment on "Ellen," in a way we only see her around free booze and in a skintight miniskirt.
- Playing with Bryn (also known as the most adorable child on the planet) backstage and not letting any of her obvious stresses (germs, bright lights, strange old lady, etc.) get the best of her.
- Showing off her goofy side on "Ellen" -- maybe a little too forced, but better than bringing out her painfully aggressive, forgot-to-take-my-meds side.

Total: 11

"Run for Your Life" Bethenny
- Meeting her interior designer and pointing out that her designer looks way less conservative than she usually does -- "like a sexy librarian." Of course, this is followed by an inappropriate string of comments regarding the designer's sex life.
- Positioning herself over a high-end bidet among the staff, legs spread and all.
- Nick the food blogger looks like a whole new person, perfectly threaded eyebrows and a much fitter frame. Of course it doesn't go unnoticed as B pries into exactly what goes into his daily diet.
- Uncontrollably harassing Julie in front of Nick about whether or not her "panties have dropped" from a cocktail. "I say what other people think," is B's defense. Fine -- but let's spare the falafel pro.
- After spewing curse words during our favorite time of day, catching up with Dr. Armadillo, the doctor oh so professionally tells B that she's not going 100 miles per hour like the first day he met her, but roughly 98 miles per hour. Awesome diagnosis.
- Complaining about the media stirring up rumors about her and not understanding because she's totally "under the radar." Last time I checked being on your own reality show is the opposite of "under the radar."
- Announcing she's getting into the, "Don't f--k with me" phase. Worried because I was under the impression we were already there.
- Appearing on the "Today" show to defend the media controversy -- again, staying under the radar, in her shimmery top and sky-high heels.
- Commenting on Hoppy's facial hair during a dinner out and then moving the conversation to pubic hair likes and dislikes. Leave it to the bedroom, B.
- "You look good no matter how many vaginas you have on your face." The nicest compliment B's given Hoppy on camera in a long, long time. Sigh.
- Appearing disgusted when Hoppy flirtatiously asks her to leave her jacket off so he can check her out in a tank top. She can only insist that the jacket is "part of the outfit" and therefore cannot be removed. Along with her daunting demeanor.
- Discussing the touchy subject of her birthday -- we all know what happened last year. If you missed it, consider yourself one of the lucky ones.
- Ferociously knocking down the wall in her new apartment with an enormous hammer-like tool. (I'm not a carpenter, people.)
- Admitting on "Ellen" that Dr. A is now in deep therapy after the boat trip incident - pretty sure that was confidential, but OK. Maybe it's time to find a new therapist, anyway. No?
- Saying "All da boats" on repeat to Bryn in the most annoying endearing baby voice until Ellen stares her down so hard as if trying to pull an Ursula and remove her vocal chords entirely.

Total: 15

"Can't Get Enough of You" Bethenny was off to a speedy start, charming the world with her quirks and catchy one-liners, but it all came to a quick halt once B squatted down in front of an embarrassing number of onlookers on a luxury bidet. Not to mention the horrifying scene where B grabs a "weapon" and begins breaking down the wall during her closet expansion. Or, stating ever-so-kindly that Hoppy's face resembles a vagina. It's all so grand! But, we haven't seen anything yet. Next week it appears as though Julie may be leaving the pack -- and Lord only knows what will come of that void. It can't be good though, this we know. Fingers crossed for a fake-out, all. Till then!