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'Bethenny Ever After' Recap: A Cougar Situation

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Bethenny broke history last week -- well, my recap's history, that is -- when her "Can't Live Without You" and "Run for Your Life" sides leveled evenly. She was, dare I say, normal. Or at least the closest Bethenny Frankel can get to normal. The apartment renovations are well underway, especially with her fiery demands keeping everyone somewhat in check, and fights with Hoppy were fairly minimal -- discounting the part where she essentially told him if he joins SkinnyGirl Cocktails he will always work under her. This week, I hear our Queen is headed to Aspen to get her snowboarding on, drink some tequila-laced hot chocolate and no doubt make raunchy snow bunny comments. And here we go ...

"Can't Live Without You" Bethenny
- Buying art from a street vendor while her fancy schmancy interior decorator eyes her with the wrath of Lucifer. Absolutely give her credit for not spending hundreds of thousands of dollars in a snooty gallery. Even if she did purchase the most hideous American flag painting / sculpture (?) ever to be seen with the human eye.
- Dr. A. makes the fabulous point that she has been doling out advice to Hoppy without him even asking for advice in the first place. She concedes and agrees that ultimately Hoppy has to rip off the Band-Aid himself. Breakthrough!
- Mentally preparing for her impending trip to Aspen for her new cosmo drink launch. Hooray Jim Bean for facilitating everything she could ever desire. She can't quite wrap her head around the fact that snowboarding means snowboarding and skiing means skiing. "Getting up on a mountain in the snow means anything. I guess you might say I'm going snowboarding, but I'll call it skiing." Whatever, I get it.
- Dining with Julie for lunch for the first time in ... well, ever. Julie openly says to her that the money hasn't changed B at all; she's always been a b----! Normally, this is when fumes would begin seeping out of her pores, but instead, this just secures their relationship. Now they're even closer.
- Still at lunch with Julie, the two begin reflecting on the era that's coming to a close. (Julie leaving the team to be closer to her boyfriend -- a.k.a. the closest we'll get to seeing Hell freeze over.) Teary-eyed B says how sad she'll be when Julie isn't there to pick up coffee, or greet her dog, etc. etc. -- I know it doesn't sound like it, but it actually was quite the touching moment.
- "What's my daytime, walk around Aspen outfit?" B asks her nanny Dawa, who she swears would never tell a lie. Dawa also can speak a mere three English words. Lucky for us, she does know the word "Halloween," and that is exactly what she tells B when she poses in her massive snow getup.
- Entering the palace of a hotel room in Aspen, far bigger than the entirety of my apartment, and checking out all the fleeces, vests, jackets, snow pants, etc. all sporting the SkinnyGirl logo. "We used to get our shirts screen printed in Chinatown way back when," B admits. Well not too shabby now, eh?
- Heading into her SkinnyGirl event for the launch of the White Cranberry Cosmo in a black lacy thing so cleavage-baring, you'd never guess she was a married lady. However, it is her business event and like she says, "I have to do what I have to do. If it's boozing and schmoozing, so be it!"
- Meeting the pre-pubescent employees at the lodge equipment store and feeling so old, she's ready to kill herself at the mountain. B keeps saying she feels old, old, old -- all the while, the handful of stoner employees are eating it all up, ready and willing for a New York cougar to ravage them. B tries to make herself feel better by saying that even in her heyday, she wouldn't have given these guys her attention. Maybe just a little flirting, but that's all, she promises.
- Heading down the slopes actually looking halfway decent. She's pretty damn athletic swerving and jumping and all that jazz.
- Riding down the mountain with Hoppy the morning after a boozy night and even on the way down, they can't communicate on direction. The two nearly collide, but in the end, they reach the bottom and give each other a big hug, puffer jacket to puffer jacket.

Total: 11

"Run for Your Life" Bethenny
- Giving Hoppy an early Christmas gift (seems like a nice idea, right?) until he opens it to find a BRAND-NEW MAC LAPTOP -- you know, the one he's going to use to start being her office slave. Even before he officially agrees to "the position," she's getting him to work. Passive aggressive behavior at it's best.
- When Hoppy seems to question the not-at-all selfish laptop, she begins lecturing him on his career path to such an awkward level I feel as though I'm back in high school listening to my guidance counselor tell me all the things I'm doing wrong. He recoils just like I did, terrified of the venom spewing from the scary lady's mouth.
- Complaining to Dr. Armadillo about how Hoppy wasn't all that grateful when she gave him her no-strings-attached gift. Once she gets into it all, she starts to understand the problem at hand -- like, um, her failing marriage and the fact that working above her husband is only going to add fuel to an already uncontrollable fire. Still, she does it with an eye roll and again, I'm questioning if she is in fact the devil incarnate.
- Letting Bryn smudge makeup all over her baby face because "she likes it!" Probably not the wisest parenting move, but OK.
- "I'm a big fan of grabbing the tip," B screams to the guys half her age on the slopes. And as if they didn't hear her, she says it again, just to reaffirm her desperate, creepy status. Even if she was referring to her equipment, it's still not okay. Not okay at all.
- "I've been here one day and I've already got a posse," B says ever so proudly. "Top that, young b----es," she had to add. She can't help herself. It must be the "diarrhea of the mouth" she keeps talking about.
- When Hoppy finally arrives at the slopes, B continues to flirt with her snow bros. Then, she begins bragging to her husband about her flirting skills. Will she ever learn? At least he finally gets back at her: "Everyone loves a cougar!"
- Cue the young stoner equipment store workers. Hoppy asks them to confirm that B is, in fact, a cougar. (Is he taking it too far here? Probably not considering the abuse he takes on a daily basis.) They nod without question and proceed to say she looks like she's in her forties. Easy killers, she's about ready to blow ...

Total: 8

Well, well, well -- B has yet again let her "Can't Live Without You" side shine through her stormy alter ego. This time, she basks in the glory of her successful cocktail company, while still sticking to her roots. She understands the importance of matching ski clothes, a lipstick-lipped baby and keeping her assistants fully boozed-up at all times.

No, but seriously, B came to a good conclusion during her fake beneficial meeting with Dr. A. She said it's time for her to step the eff back and let Hoppy make decisions about his career on his one. Relinquishing just the teeniest bit of power is clearly a huge deal for our Queen, as she continued to pat herself on the back the rest of the trip.

Back to her assistants ... B shared a touching lunch date with Julie where they continued to frolic down memory lane, shedding tears along the way. "The woman behind the woman" will be missed, that's for sure.

Coming up, it seems as though B's got a meeting with an old pal of her deadbeat dad's. This is sure to spark some juicy therapy sessions and probably an irrational outburst or two (or ten). Welp, something to look forward to, I suppose.