When I wrote a piece called "Women Had It Better in the Sixties," I knew it would piss people off. I knew I would be called ignorant. I knew that I was walking straight into a sweat lodge and the heat was about to go up. Still, I didn't expect it to garner 600-something comments (roughly 590 of which seem to be critical) or that I would be the recipient of unintelligible hate mail (I may not have understood their specific points but I understood their main one, which is that they were mad).
To be fair, the essay I turned in was called "Why I Follow Helen Gurley Brown." Still, I understood why the editor went with the title she did. The point I was trying to make with the piece was that a lot of women call attention to how unfair certain circumstances are for us. I'm not saying that they're wrong -- that circumstances are, in fact, fair. I just think that rather than starting groups to, say, catalogue the way there aren't enough women in a certain field, we should be looking at where we can have an immediate, positive impact: by admitting that the situation is tough for women whether we're Fortune 500 businesswomen, stay-at-home moms, or single gals just trying to make our rent. And we can try to have compassion for all of us, no matter which group we're a part of, rather than perpetuating the idea that one group has it "right" and the other "wrong."
And I think that when we create a stink about how women aren't being paid enough or aren't being allowed the same job opportunities as men, we stay angry and are ineffective. I could be entirely wrong about the ineffective part -- for all I know people read these types of Op Eds or hear about these groups, wake up to how unfair everything is, and create new opportunities for women -- but I know that when I vent, I tend to only feel worse; it's when I try to find a solution that I feel better. And when someone who's angry vents at me, I cease to listen: I know they're enraged so I assume they're not being entirely rational. Either way, we don't have a lot of control.
Yet there are certain things we can control: we can, for instance, try to stop finding fault with each other. As a single woman, I can't tell you the number of times I've felt ashamed -- not because of the reactions of men to my situation but because of the reactions of women, women who have made different choices than I have and are clearly far better at navigating relationships than I am. Every time a married mother says, "Wow, you still haven't settled down?" or "Your mom must be disappointed that you don't have a family," I shrink a little bit. It would never occur to me to counter with questions about whether or not they're frustrated by the fact that their career hasn't moved at the pace it did before they had kids or, conversely, to ask how they feel about their kids being raised by the nanny.
So what can we do? Well, we can all try to curb those "concerned" comments that are really masking condescension. And in the professional world, when confronted with decisions like whether or not to put out the message that single women without kids are resentful, sad and bitter -- or to portray the lone single woman on a reality show as the "underdog" -- we could think about the cultural impact these messages may have.
I'm not saying I'm not a part of the problem. I am. I put married mothers with thriving careers on pedestals and am judgmental of the women who rely solely on men for their income -- especially when they make a big show of "working" when it's just some wacky pet project funded by said husband. If I'm being honest, I don't judge them for their lack of ambition (at least not entirely): I judge them because I'm jealous. Because I think they may know something I don't. Because I wish I didn't have to worry about my car and rent payments, because at least a small part of me wants to hear a man say, "Yes, honey, I believe in your dream of creating a business selling lanterns made out of dead flowers and want to help you get started with it."
I don't hate women, as I was accused of by some of my hate-mailers. And I don't hate men -- another accusation. And I wasn't saying in the piece that everything is worse for women today than it was in the 60s (the fact that I wrote "in many ways" seems to have resonated so little that if I could do it again, I might have put it in ALL CAPS). I wasn't saying that all women who don't want to be photographed in sexy clothes have issues with their body; I was merely talking about one.
But none of that really matters; when people are primed for a fight, they see what they want to see. And I was pleased that the article brought up a lively conversation, even if I couldn't bring myself to read a lot of it since my periodically thick skin has a way of crumbling into non-existence when attacks come below the belt. I was happy that Meghan Casserly wrote on Forbes that if I was at her desk, "There would have been some high-fiving happening." But I'm even happier that there seems to be an ever so slight cultural shift. Consider Sara Eckel's recent (and excellent) Modern Love in which she wrote, "Like single women everywhere, I had bought into the idea that the problem must be me, that there was some essential flaw -- arrogance, low self-esteem, fear of commitment -- that needed to be fixed." (The essay ends with the revelation that she didn't need fixing after all; she and her husband recently celebrated their six year anniversary.) The Zooey Deschanel show The New Girl celebrates -- at least sort of -- the single life. A writer in New York who was recently meant to get married ended up marrying herself. While I'm not sure that's the answer -- in my opinion, not that someone who recently received something like 590 negative comments should be in a position to judge -- marrying yourself makes the girl too easy to mock as an example of Oprah-like self love gone too far.
But I do think that loving ourselves -- and each other -- more is the answer. I think blaming the man who's done something wrong, rather than the woman who did it with him, would be a start. I think challenging our primitive instinct to see other women as competition, to be frightened that we've made the wrong choices when we encounter a woman who has what we don't -- could go a long way.
Because the truth is that I can do estimable work and complete myself all I want and still wilt in the face of a Smug Married Woman. Yet I could also at least try to love and understand women who believe different things than I do and have made different choices.
Even the 590-odd ones who think I'm an idiot.
Follow Anna David on Twitter: www.twitter.com/annadavid
I didn't read this entire article. I read "What I meant was..." several times and each time, I thought, "Well, why the hell didn't you say THAT in the first place?" If you'd written what you actually meant the first time around, you wouldn't be in the position of backpeddling and apologizing for your previous excuse for writing.
An example of that was also in the original article. Married women tend to treat older single women as lesser because they aren't married (or couldn't make their marriage work). A woman is still a woman no matter of the are married/single, a SAHM/a Working Mom, Thin/Obese ect.......we are all equal so start treating each other as equals (meaning quit the judgements) an THEN we might have a better shot about being treated equal by men.
As one who wrote a criticism on your first post, I found this piece interesting. My reactions:
1. I am with you when you talk about how it is rough for women, whether they're high - powered businesswomen or stay - at - home moms. Ditto for your comments about how we should respect each other's life choices: fault - finding is nothing but a drain on precious energy.
2. Where I still take issue with you: your remark that "when we create a stink about how women aren't being paid enough or aren't being allowed the same job opportunities as men, we stay angry and are ineffective" is a *very* broad generalization that fails to make some critical distinctions. It is one thing to complain about injustice in the world, but then not do anything to change it: that does lead to anger and ineffectiveness. However, when we raise awareness about disparate conditions, and then take action to correct it, we are in fact using our anger in a positive way to effect social change.
In the end, I'd suggest you take your own advice. For some women, empowerment will come from "starting groups to, say, catalogue the way there aren't enough women in a certain field": for others, such as yourself, empowerment will come from a different source. But together, we can make things less rough for all women.
PS: Lanterns out of dead flowers? Go for it--that's what I call thinking outside the box...
As always,
Thoughts and prayers...
Your plea for love, understanding and reducing competitiveness among women is important, though you undercut your argument a little by tossing in a dig at Oprah.
But what I got out of your message were two things. It's not so much being angry about circumstances that is ineffectual and off-putting. It's when that frustration just seems to manifest itself as whining or complaining, rather than taking action. Anger is okay if it's channeled into something productive. But I have a low tolerance for complaining when a situation could be improved by action. My kids have learned not to complain (at least not around me) about having homework, since I've repeatedly told them that complaining only makes you more bummed about it and extends the time until you've finished it. I remind them they'll feel a little better about it when they see it's halfway done.
It seems like your other point is to not let others -- their insecurities, stress, jealousies, etc. -- allow you to fell worse about yourself. It can be tough, but remembering that what people say usually says more about them than you can be a helpful thing to keep in mind.
I agree with this "...we can, for instance, try to stop finding fault with each other. As a single woman, I can't tell you the number of times I've felt ashamed -- not because of the reactions of men to my situation but because of the reactions of women, women who have made different choices than I have and are clearly far better at navigating relationships than I am. Every time a married mother says, "Wow, you still haven't settled down?" or...I shrink a little bit. It would never occur to me to counter with questions about whether or not they're frustrated by the fact that their career hasn't moved at the pace it did before they had kids or, conversely, to ask how they feel about their kids being raised by the nanny"...
We women are notorious for making "slick" statements to make another feel bad especially about being single or unmarried...see my article http://binvegas.hubpages.com/hub/marriedisthenewsingle...where I say something similar. I agree with Ms. David, it is time for us to stop attacking and find ways to uplift and support one another. No persons journey(life) is more profound than the next, we all have a story and struggles to overcome. Be the answer to the problem not part of it. Just sayin'
Problem is that women have long been taught we must not be angry, and men have long been taught anger is the only emotion they can acceptably show - and that violence is the outlet for it. Both wrong and both harmful.
The core issues of equal opportunity, equal pay, reproductive (and health) rights, etc. are great big, societal issues. These are the things that make me and other feminists from back in the day so enraged that we were/are prepared to risk quite a lot to make a change.
Personally, I don't spend alot of energy worrying about married vs. single, children vs. childfree. Been there, done that. In the grand scheme of things, a condescending comment from an insensitive (and probably hugely insecure) fellow female may be annoying and personally irritating. But as threats go - things that are simply unacceptable and cannot be allowed to continue - not in that league. We have bigger issues.
And those bigger issues do deserve your anger and your energy. It is fundamentally wrong to deny someone an education, a job, equal pay or access to medical and reproductive care based solely on gender. That should make you mad. Maybe in the '60's the wrongness was more glaring and therefore easier, but no less wrong today.
Is this the "me-too" movement that came to be called "feminism" ? that's what women 'need' to be happy ? to be just-like-men ?
But please enjoy the fact that generating hundreds of comments is a very positive sign - it means you write well enough to provoke a strong reaction in a lot of people. Also - I'm a twice divorced single mom. If you live long enough, you will see the Smug Marrieds fall on their faces, and become better women for it. Hang in there.